Tag: connection

Introverts

Reflections on Living an Inner Life… My River of Heaven… My Dharmavati

Debra Worden
April 1, 2011

I am a very “quiet” person.  I bet alot of people would not know that about me because I have “quite” the voice on Facebook.  However, in the real world (whatever that is lol) I am reserved and spend alot of time in an inner life of the spirit, mind and heart.

I used to hate this about me. I used to wish to be more outgoing and a natural with social situations.  I envied people who were free spirits who could be the life of the party… humorous and making everybody laugh.  Meanwhile I was awkwardly uncomfortable with myself and very serious.  I hated my heart and that it was so vulnerable.  I felt like anyone could just shatter me with a word or a look… and often times it felt like they did.  My heart was so openly vulnerable that it would cause me to say sorry to you if YOU bumped into me so that my heart would not be wounded should you be offended for any reason by our bodies touching.  All of this caused me to isolate myself from the world even more. However, in isolating myself… I went deeper inside… and I found myself in a way I never would have imagined.

Today… I love that I am introspective and I thoroughly enjoy exploring my inner life.  I am just fine being by myself and quiet.  I’ve come to value me as I am.  I appreciate how God fashioned my personality to be.  I realize that my seriousness has alot to do with my depth and my quest for the things of meaning and value in life… and it does not mean that I don’t know how to have a good time, laugh or be humorous because I CAN be all those things too… especially now that I am comfortable in my own skin and don’t really care what people think of me and whether or they like me or not. 

In reflecting about the nature of my being a quiet person… I also realize it’s not that I don’t have anything to say… because I have a wealth of thoughts, ideas and emotions to express.  Sometimes it’s just that there isn’t anyone around in my life who is on a level that I feel like I can share my thoughts, ideas and emotions with. That’s why I love Facebook so much.  Because there is almost always another being on here that I can connect with at any time of the night or day who is somewhat on a level of consciousness of where I am… who is magically sharing on some topic that I had just been contemplating deeply upon.

And then there are those times when a person WILL come into my life that is a real body… who I feel completely at ease with for no apparent reason.  It’s as if my soul recognizes their soul… my consciousness just seems to understand who they are without words… and I am able to completely open up with them freely… and I discover a voice I did not know I had… or had forgotten about through lack of use.  There is no thought of vulnerability.  It’s the ultimate trust and connection of a soulmate… and it has nothing to do with “mating” on a physical level.  It’s entirely spiritual, mental, and emotional. 

There is just nothing like being able to share my thoughts, ideas and emotions with such a someone… To listen to them share their thoughts, ideas and emotions in return… To receive the wisdom of their inner being… and to exchange my inner wisdom with them.  It inspires a level of accountability within myself to reach higher, go deeper within, grow more expansively.  It’s a type of spiritual partnership that naturally enables me to move into the being God designed me to be… who I already am… but just haven’t quite fully discovered yet. It’s a “communication” of the most valuable kind.  I consider it a gift from God and I don’t take even a moment of such interactions for granted.  

As I write all this… I realize I miss someone who was a connection of this type… but that’s ok with me too.  My feeling this just shows me the value I place on such relationships of the spirit.  It’s the way my heart is conveying a sense of gratitude for those moments in time that I shared this type of a connection with that person… and those moments will remain forever timeless for me. 

And so I recognize that ultimately… it’s not about quantity when it comes to sharing my voice… my thoughts… my heart…  my soul… It’s about quality.  It’s about knowing when it’s worth breaking the beauty of silence.  Its about knowing… that when there is no other soul around to share myself with… that “I” am the most quality I can offer myself… for I know who I am today… and I love who I am. 

~Inspired by the Thought of the Day written by Allan Beveridge of Twin Powers.

Transformation

Transforming Anger with My Children

Debra Worden
January 2, 2011

… and that’s what I did this morning.

Our household was like a war zone last night.  My kids were treating each other absolutely atrociously.  They were screaming at each other at the top of their lungs and calling each other vile names.  It was so upsetting.  In an attempt to regain order and peace in the house, I stepped in.  Much to my regret, I added only more anger to an already chaotic situation.

When all was said and done, I grounded them and told them if they could not communicate with each other properly, they could not communicate with others.  I removed all cell phones, laptops, xbox live, ipods, etc. they use to text and talk with the outside world.  Of course, this was not received well at all.  All kinds of remarks were hurled at me… making me feel like as a parent… I have completely lost control (as if we ever really have any right?).

As I went to bed, I pondered the whole situation realizing that some of those remarks hurled at me were in fact true.  How could I expect my children to treat each other with love when they’ve witnessed very little of that between their own parents lately? How could I expect them not to lose their temper and display anger towards each other when I was capable of doing the very same thing in my attempt to regain order? 

Then other questions came to my mind…

  • How could I expect them to improve their communication by taking away all their means of communication? 
  • Am I asking too much of an 11 and 12 year old to have a healthier relationship when they are siblings and probably need to be able to vent their anger somewhere? 
  • How healthy is it really to ask your kids not to display such anger for each other if that is truly what they are feeling? 
  • How unhealthy is it for them to repress these emotions for fear of losing their stuff or to fake happiness with each other in order to earn it back?  
  • Don’t we already have enough problems in this household with people being unable to express their feelings and those feelings not being heard?
  • How effective am I really being here by diminishing such opportunities because the feelings are simply ugly? 
  • And finally… God, how do I make this better… what can I do differently?

After my meditation this morning, an idea came to me which I’m hoping was a gift from God… an answer to prayer.  I decided that in order for my kids to earn their stuff back, I was going to have them do an exercise.  I wanted it to be a journaling exercise that would allow them to get in touch with their feelings and to really feel them and express them… to discover what was behind their anger…. to challenge them to look at themselves… and to put an intention in black in white about how they could do things differently. 

So I asked them to each get a notebook and a pen.  While they were doing that, I asked God to PLEASE direct me on the questions I should ask them. I then asked them these questions one by one…

  • What are all the things that bother you about the other person?
  • Why do these things bother you?
  • How does it make you feel that the other person does this?
  • How does it make you feel when you express your anger towards them in return?
  • What good things do you see in the other person? (they both said nothing and refused to write)
  • So I asked… what would you miss if the other one was gone?
  • What can you do differently to express your anger in a healthier way?
  • How are you going to treat each other better in the future?

When we were done, I asked them to exchange notebooks and read what the other one wrote.  Neither could decipher each other’s writing so I volunteered to read their answers to each other one question at a time (another blessing by God I think). 

Well let me tell you… it was an experience for all three of us!!!  While both children had done the writing with total attitudes, a hesitation to be open to the other in any way, and a conviction they were still in a place of justified anger for the other… it all began to melt as I read their answers and added my own insight to what I was reading on the paper… to what I saw they were really both saying… since they are much too young to understand that behind their anger is pain and hurt.

It was just so sad to read it and I tried to keep myself composed emotionally as I read and conveyed what I saw.  Rebecca was angry with Frankie because he stares at her and he is loud playing his video games and will never let her play with him.  Frankie was angry with Rebecca because she makes fun of him when he looks at her and she threatens to humiliate him and tell people about his Tourette’s if she doesn’t get her way. 

So I explained first to Frankie that what I see is that Rebecca cares about you and just wants to spend time with you and alligator tears began to form in his eyes.  Then I explained to Rebecca that Frankie cares about you and wants to look at you and Frankie’s began to cry harder.  Then I said… what I see is they both have a desire for connection with each other and love each other and Rebecca began to cry.  All of this was too much for me and broke my heart as I realized that I am living in a household full of people who just want love and connection to others and cannot seem to have it with each other and it broke my heart and I began crying too.  

After I was done explaining the rest of their answers, I told them they had one final exercise to complete in order to get their stuff back…. that they had to do the 30-second hug therapy which we had all seen posted on Facebook.  It was a video of two young kids whose father had made them hug for 30 seconds as therapy, which seemed like an eternity to me watching it, and was so touching.  

I had asked my kids to do this the last time they had a brawl and they flatly refused but this time, it was a condition of getting their stuff back so they were willing.  I told them I would only do 10 seconds (my thought was eventually to work up to 30 seconds if we needed to do this again).  As the seconds clicked away, I couldn’t get enough of seeing them hugging.  Since they couldn’t see the timer and are too young to be really aware of time, I let the timer go… and go… and they got their 30 second hug therapy without even knowing it. 

So long and short, my kids have their stuff back.  I have no idea if any of what I did will change their behavior.  But for me… the miracles that happened were that both my kids were crying… in touch with their feelings… expressing them not repressing them… and the feelings were sadness not anger… a longing for love and connection… not hatred… and they each got the opportunity to be heard, even if it was through the voice of their mother…. and finally… watching them have a piece of that loving connection in that 30 second hug. 

May God please guide, bless and direct my family every day… as he did today. 

Dreams

In Heaven With Elaine

Debra Worden
January 19, 2011

I was just in the most beautiful place with Elaine, one of my most beloved friends, who went to be with God and her mother a little more than a year ago.   

I was sitting on a very narrow beach. The color and texture of the sand was so perfect. I was sitting contentedly enjoying its soothing, soft, claylike feel against my skin… digging my bare feet below the surface. The ocean was vast and wide stretching before me. It was the most beautiful shade of crystal clear turqoise blue. The sky was cloudless and bright blue and full of a lightness that lifted and expanded my heart… filling me with a sense of freedom and limitless possibilities… and then there was Elaine.

She stepped out behind a sea wall to my right.  She didn’t acknowledge me.  She was too taken with the beauty of the ocean herself to notice anyone sitting on the shoreline.  She stepped out into the water and I looked on in amazement not believing my eyes.  Was this a dream? Was she an apparition?  I watched as Elaine walked far out in the water but it was so shallow she never seemed to go below the height of her ankles in the water.  That didn’t seem to bother her.  She was dancing around in the water everywhere with the childlike delight she always had. She was so happy to be there and I sensed she hadn’t enjoyed this kind of thing in a long time.

I wanted to go out and join her but I was hesitant.  I didn’t want to break the moment of just watching her… of seeing her again.  It seemed more important to just enjoy watching her than to be part of the experience with her.  I had a sense that if I broke the air with my voice to call out to her, the whole scene might disappear.  So I just sat and watched… smiling in my heart for the joy that is Elaine… for the joy that she was experiencing. 

Then the water turned to ice and Elaine was wearing ice skates.  She was gliding around the ice everywhere still dressed in shorts and a tank top and the air was still warm.  I got curious and the desire of my heart to be with her was stronger than my hesitancy to just sit and watch.  I rose from my spot on the shore and noticed two other people sitting on the other side of the wall from where Elaine had come.  I sensed they were with her and had also come from the other side.  They didn’t speak to me but their eyes encouraged me to go be with her. 

I stepped out into the ice and skates magically appeared on my feet.  I pushed off and glided out to be with Elaine.  When I got near her, she glided past me with one leg extended out behind her and she smiled the biggest smile at me.  She didn’t seem amazed to see me at all.  She was just enjoying trying to skate like a professional and she was thrilled that I was her audience watching her do it.  I just stood there on the ice watching her glide past me multiple times in that fancy one-footed glide with her arms stretched out in perfect poses.  Then she said to me in that cocky, pushy yet joyful all at the same time way she had about her “What are you just standing there for girl? Come on! Try it!!!”

So I began to skate… slowly at first and she kept doing her fancy little poses skating all around me, smiling big smiles, enjoying herself immensely.  I let go of my insecurity on the skates, pushed off with force, and did a big one footed glide myself.  The two of us were out there on the ice doing fancy one-footed glides in big circles all around each other for what seemed like forever. 

Then we met in the middle of one of the big circles.  Our hands clasped and we twirled around each other laughing up at the bright blue sky and exchanging laughter and glances with each other.  Eventually our speed slowed down.  We embraced each other and said how glad we were to see each other again.  The hug with Elaine was the longest, intimate, most soul connected hugs I’ve ever had in my entire life.  Just writing about it now is bringing tears to my eyes. 

Although I was sleeping off my migraine and it was only a dream… in that brief moment of space and time in my mind… I was with my girl… my chickie… my beloved friend Elaine.  I was in Heaven.