Roe vs. Wade. The ultimate decision that gave women the Choice to navigate the difficult waters of facing child birth. How long must we row before the light dawns and we wade out into new waters for our women and our children? Is the problem the Choice? Or is it about the conditions that lead a woman to Choose?
I was there once. A young 19 something with an aspiring career before me… and pregnant. It was clear to me that if I wanted the child, I would have to do it alone. The father wanted no part of the child or raising it. He already had 3 children and wasn’t doing much financially, emotionally or physically to provide for any of them. I KNEW it was going to be solely on me as the bearer of the child.
I saw no way for me to provide for the child. I mean, I could have given up my job, the only source of income I had to give the child an adequate future. Then what? Struggle to survive and provide some semblance of a poverty-stricken future for the child? It seemed irresponsible for me to choose to bring the child into such an existence. I chose to abort. I regretted it Deeply.
The problem was not that I didn’t want the child. I truly did. The problem was societal systems were not designed with a mom or a child’s need in mind. That needs to change. I watched my daughter raise her baby girl the first many months of my granddaughter’s life without any physical, financial, or emotional support from the father for reasons that are not important to go into here. I witnessed her reach a Choice point.
She was pregnant with a second child. I watched her tears of fears of how will she possibly do it with TWO children?!?! Despite those tears, I heard her say I cannot possibly give up this child’s life! Why? Because of LOVE. She so loved her own brother and appreciated all of their memories together as small children. She could not possibly selfishly steal the experience of a sibling from her daughter. She did not make the same mistake as me and I am proud of her Choice! I would not have this beautiful baby grandson had she not made the Choice for his life.
Here is the Right Choice. We can CHOOSE to do better for our women and our children. We can CHOOSE to make it affordable to raise children. We can CHOOSE to develop systems that are supportive financially and emotionally to the raising of a precious child’s life.
It is NOT an easy choice to stay at home and raise your children, struggle financially and often times have no other children to interact with unless you have another. Nor is it an easy choice to send your child off to day care to spend the majority of their day with another woman, or man, while you spend the majority of your time working to financially support the child with BASIC needs with the astronomical cost of daycare. Never mind all the extras we want to give our children so they can be well-educated, well-rounded children with a strong sense of WELL-BEING.
I once witnessed Marianne Williamson give an informal poll to the listeners at one of her campaign talks. She asked the question… “How many people in this audience are not having children because they cannot afford to?” The hands that went up were overwhelming to me. My heart broke for the women in the audience and men who also raised their hands alongside their partner whose other hand they held endearingly. We come here to experience the beauty of Life and to expand that experience for others. Yet the current environment is so difficult we have people whose only heart’s desire in life cannot even be realized… to have a child. I FELT the weight of their longing.
I think a “formal” poll needs to be administered posing the same question Marianne asked, along with other questions, such as what are the barriers to your ability to provide for and raise a healthy child. Let’s focus on the solutions to those poll questions. Let’s stop focusing on band-aid laws put into place to avoid lives being lost through illegal and legal abortions. Face it! They were happening illegally because women were facing a choice that seemed an irresponsible and impossible choice to make. Well, the SAME conditions exist today. Let’s BE responsible and make it Possible for families to flourish!
Once upon a time not very long ago, I had what I call a “God Shot” experience, the best kind of vaccine for my soul! It happened on my drive up a hill on a road I think of as the Green Mile of Quincy, a city known affectionately as “The Q” and also annoyingly known as the “City of Lights” since there are so many of them! The Green Mile is located on Quarry Street, which used to be 2 lanes in each direction for a total of 4 lanes. It is now reduced to a single lane in each direction with a new bicycle lane painted and barriers installed to protect the bike lane. At night, the barriers light up with reflectors shining out over the road that seem to keep going and going when you’re driving along side it. Unlike all the other light systems in Quincy, these lights are NOT there for stopping. It’s just Go and Green!!! On this particular drive, it was daytime though and I didn’t expect to see any lights shining back at me, and yet a Light stopped me. A woman. A total stranger.
She was sitting in wait, reading a book on a wall at the entrance to Avalon, a high-rise living complex. There were white, pink and purple flowers all around her in view at her feet. I was instantly captivated. She was a beautiful Living accent to the scene, dressed elegantly in all black so as not to take away from the colors of the flowers and instead complimented it perfectly. It was more than just how she was dressed though. It was her. She had an inner Light and its beauty was emitting from her Being with abundance, calling on me to capture it!
My heart was sparked with energy by what my eyes witnessed before me. As I drove past her the feeling of expansion in my heart fell to sadness and regret. The inner voice inside me said “Don’t neglect this moment! Go back and capture it! Listen to your Heart!”
I could not ignore the call. I turned the car around and drove back to her. I felt a bit of hesitation as I rolled the car to a stop and approached her. Another voice creeped in, the voice of doubt saying, “What if she doesn’t want her picture taken, you’re a total stranger!” Rather than drive away, I simply did the next right thing that came to mind. I rolled down my window, held up my camera and asked permission to take her picture.
She looked at me in astonishment and said “You want to take MY picture?”, as if she wasn’t worthy enough to capture and yet she SO was! Before I got the chance to even respond, she answered excitedly “Sure! You can take my picture! I will pose like I’m a model in New York!” Her Confusion was instantly replaced with a bit of Confidence!!!
I proceeded to get out of the car and cross the street. I only asked for one picture to keep of her beauty against the landscape. I had not intended for this to be a full-on photo shoot but she was having fun and starting posing away like the New York model she wanted to be in that moment! So I went with it and started to snap away like I was the professional photography I am not but sometimes dream to be.
She began to really enjoy herself and became more playful and creative with every pose. As she moved her body and as I moved around her trying to capture all angles, I could feel an energy building between us. She was chatting away as she moved telling me “I can do this and this!!” I echoed her energy back encouraging her with words like, “Yes, You go girl!, Yes, Yes, Yes!!! That’s Awesome! Keep going! You’re beautiful!” The energy between us was grand!!! I was intensely and awesomely Alive!!!
At the height of what seemed a Divine climax of energy, I said “What is your name?” She yelled proudly “Crystal! My name is Crystal with a C!” and points to her belt with a big C on it. I thought how perfect! Crystal! She was a Crystal Ball in my heart in this Moment.
Today, I look back on that day and the pictures of Crystal (below) and feel ALL the same energy in my heart for the Light that she is… a precious child of God willing to Live INTO the NOW moment with me. How divine it is when two sparks of Source energy, are open to allowing the Creator to create, witness and express the sweetness of his loving exchange through them. I know God would LOVE more of such moments. I would wager to bet that violence and all things ugly would fall away naturally if we listen and act in ALL the moments our heart gets captured by someone or something special to say or do.
It all starts by listening to YOU, the voice that matters most, the one within that speaks to you in silence when you’re open to seeing what can be seen in the Present moment. In that space, the “first” thought is usually the best One! The Gift!!!
The gratitude and love in my heart for Crystal is surely a gift of the most precious kind. FREE and Free-Spirited!!! I live with zero regret for honoring my heart-strings and daring to ask a simple question… “May I take your picture?” I can now look back on her pictures on ANY day to connect with the special Light who is Crystal of “Q” Land.
Here are pictures I captured of Crystal, my sister in the Spirit of God. May God’s blessings and goodness follow her all the days of her Life!!! Surely it will due to her willingness to Let Go and Let Loose the child within to play and pose for me… a Total Stranger.
Joined at the Heart ~ David Hasselhoff
A light through the wall A pure crystal ball A mystical call between us Like spirits at the source Within a silent driving force Love that reaches everywhere The energy from you is always there inside me too Bound by inner visions that we share I cut my finger and you feel all the pain You cry and I can hear your prayer Reading each other so close or apart Two lovers (of God) joined at the heart Two lovers (of God) joined at the heart A light through the wall A pure crystal ball A mystical call between us Like ships upon the tide We ride the waves and don’t collide I am you and you are me Asleep and on my own I never feel that I’m alone You’re the dream illusion that I see Holding each other at the altar of love Worshipping souls on bended knee Reading each other so close or apart Two lovers (of God) joined at the heart You know what I’m saying when I don’t make a sound I hear your thoughts and set them free Reading each other so close or apart Two lovers (of God) joined at the heart Two lovers (of God) joined at the heart A light through the wall A pure crystal ball A mystical call between us A light through the wall A pure crystal ball A mystical call between us A light through the wall A pure crystal ball A mystical call between us A light through the wall A pure crystal ball A mystical call between us A light through the wall A pure crystal ball A mystical call between us A light through the wall A pure crystal ball A mystical call between us
God brought me on a meditation many years ago. He does that sometimes. I closed my eyes and I saw myself. I watched myself from above. I was not myself as I am today. I was a little girl, innocent and pure. I was walking in a secluded field surrounded by tall pine trees filled with the beauty of nature. Even though the sun was shining intensely, the sky was still a bright blue. The colors of everything around me were so vibrant. The harshness of the bright sun washed away nothing. I was so happy.
I met up with other children in the field. We all seemed about the same age. They approached me from different directions. A honey haired girl came from the left. Then a blond haired boy approached from the right. Two other children came walking together from the center of the field, a honey haired boy and a dark haired girl. Like the field, none of us were tainted by the harshness of suffering in this world, not yet anyway. We were open, free and uninhibited. We were all so happy.
We joined hands in the middle of the field and began skipping around in circles like we were playing “Ring Around the Rosie”, but nobody was falling down, falling in, or falling out of the circle. We were solidly joined and content to be playing, laughing and smiling up at the sky and at each other. We all glowed with joy, just like the sun in the sky.
I saw birds of different colors flying overhead above us, like rainbows flying across the sky. I saw animals in the field all around us, going about their business, happy and content just like us. Even the blades of grass and the trees surrounding us were swaying in the breeze, seemingly dancing and filled with joy. It was like heaven on earth for every living being in the field.
Then I and the other children stopped skipping in circles. All at once, we ran to the center of the circle and lifted our arms to the sky. A flock of white doves flew up and out of the center of our raised hands like magic. They flew all around us and weaved their flight in and out of the spaces between us, like angels in flight. Heaven had joined us.
Then we broke from the circle. No words were expressed, but each of us started walking in different directions, filled with a sense of joy and curiosity. Each of us was on a search for something in the field. I instinctively knew when I found what I was supposed to be looking for. It was a pure, white feather. None of its hairs were stuck together. It was perfection. I was so happy I had found it, and yet it felt like I had been drawn to it like a magnet, sitting in plain sight at the border of the field, waiting just for me. I walked back to the center of the field to see what the others had found.
The blond boy who had been on my right was already standing in the center of the field. He looked so proud to have been there first. He had something cupped in his hands but I could not see what it was. He was waiting for the others to return to the circle. I looked into his eyes and they shined with glee and excitement for what he’d found and held protectively in his hands.
The honey haired girl then joined us. She had a leaf in her hand, but it was no ordinary leaf. It was a magnificent maroon colored leaf, laced with bright orange and flecked with gems that shined light like stars, even in the broad daylight. She was overjoyed with her magical leaf that seemed to reflect what was inside of her waiting to shine to the world. I felt a sting of jealousy that her object was so magical compared to my plain white feather, but I quickly pushed the feeling aside and expressed a genuine congratulatory loving smile her way.
Then the honey haired boy came slowly sauntering to the circle. He was holding a simple, gray rock. I pondered to myself why he would have such a boring object, but he seemed quite content with his rock. Then a realization came upon me that the rock seemed a lot like him, solid and steady, unmoved just like a rock. Still, I felt a stirring of pain as if he should have something more significant. Nonetheless, I was happy for him that he was content with who he was.
I then looked at the blond haired boy. He seemed like he could not contain his object anymore, but the dark haired girl had not yet come back to the circle. I looked up across the field and couldn’t see her anywhere. When the two honey haired children weren’t looking, the boy let me peek into his hand. My breath escaped me by what I saw. It was a beautiful baby bird, stark royal blue with white angelic feathers. I looked at him with great joy for what I saw inside his hands. He looked so proud and happy and I was so happy for him. I wasn’t sure if he let me see it because he wanted to let me in on his secret, or if it was an attempt to give the bird a moment of space to see out, as if trying to keep it comfortable and content for a little bit longer.
Then I glanced up across the field. The dark haired girl was coming towards us cradling something in her arms. It was a fluffy white-haired bunny with black splotches. It looked so content in her arms and she seemed so happy to be lovingly caressing that bunny. I sensed the girl and her beloved bunny had quite a lot in common in their journey of life, so soft and vulnerable, a nervous twitching, and an instinctive nature to hop from here to there in self-preservation. Yet here, in this moment, the two of them displayed perfect peace and ease being together, filled with love for each other. Again, I felt a pang of jealousy inside of me. Both the blond boy and the dark haired girl had found living objects and mine was just a left behind fragment of something living. Yet I was sincerely happy for her as well.
Now that we were all joined again, we turned our attention to the blond haired boy. He was struggling trying to contain the item in his hand. I looked into his eyes expecting to see the excitement I’d seen earlier but it was replaced with fear. He did not want to open his hands. I knew in an instant what he was feeling. It had dawned on him that the moment he opened his hands, the baby bird would fly away and he would be left with nothing in his hands. I sensed it was so important to him to have that little bird, to have a precious object of his own. It pained me to watch his internal struggle.
The others began to get anxious. They started to encroach and crowd in around him, excitedly trying to coach him to open his hands. It made him more nervous and sweat began to break out on his brow. I saw anger come across his eyes. My breath became trapped as I watched him tighten his grip on the little baby bird. I could tell he felt a momentary instinct to kill that baby bird rather than let the others smother it by their seemingly demanding demeanors in his state of fright. I glanced in his eyes that were now welling up in tears. I saw deep pain calling out to me wondering what he should do. Everything in him did not want to hurt that baby bird, it was so priceless to him. I gave him a reassuring look of love and understanding, and I prayed to the universe for him to do the right thing.
In a sudden moment, he opened his hands and the beautiful little bird flew from his hands circling all around his head and then landed on his chest. The boy was so happy and relieved that tears of joy fell down his face. It wasn’t just tears that were falling from him. All his fears fell away as he watched the bird flying freely and safe from the others, even from himself. The fear that he would be left empty handed was no longer. The bird had become his friend, content to be with him.
Then we all sat down on the ground and put our objects in front of us in the circle. Everyone looked so happy with their items and to admire the others. Genuine joy was felt by all for each other, except for me. I still felt a pang in my heart for the honey haired boy with his simple rock. I sensed the others were hiding within them a feeling that their objects were better than his.
Then the boy picked up his rock and calmly and playfully tossed it back and forth between his hands as if it was a ball. He glanced at each of us as if waiting for attention reservedly, yet not wanting to be the center of attention. When he knew we were all looking, he opened the rock and showed us all the intricacies inside. There were crystal gems glistening bright light. Then he closed the rock into his hands and it became just a rock again. Then he opened it again and this time there were layers upon layers of colors like sediments in the soil. Once again, he cupped the rock in his hands hiding it from view and when he opened it the last time, there were puzzles upon puzzles hidden within the rock and only he had the answers on how to put it back together. The boy knew all along what was hidden in that rock. Yet he sat there humbly holding it content to have a simple rock. He was no fool.
Then I looked at my plain white feather again and I felt left out. The honey haired girl and boys had their magical items. The dark haired girl and blond boy had their living animals and I just had a plain, white lifeless feather. It looked so insignificant now and it had seemed so special when I found it. Deep within me I felt a searing ache of pain, but I kept it well hidden. Something inside me said not to show it, to just be happy for the others and I truly was.
Then God spoke to me from the sky and from within myself. No one seemed to hear him but me. He said to me “My child, the feather IS your object and couldn’t be more you. It’s the feather of a white dove and doves represent peace in my world. That is what you bring, this is Who You Are, and this is who you have always wanted to BE. Each little hair of that feather is precious and fragile just as you are to me. So take good care of that feather and treasure it as I treasure you.”
I wept because God knew me so well, yet I did not. I did not recognize the value of my object, nor the value of me, but God had revealed it all. It now meant the world to me that he chose that white feather for me and I wept even harder in gratitude for a God that is so knowing and good.
Days later in real life I would find myself walking through the field at the Snug Harbor school behind my home. Sitting on the edge of the field in plain sight was a white feather… just like the meditation… waiting for Me.
The White Feather from the field at Snug Harbor School, Quincy, Massachusetts (The “Q”) Found 3 Days Following the Meditation It was Magical!!!
I love God, sunsets, and the night sky. I desire the expression one feels when viewing such things to be spilled out onto paper… flowing like a river of tears… taking the reader deeper and deeper inside of themselves… to the place that hurts… the place no one touches… the place we don’t allow others… or even perhaps ourselves to touch… the place of a small space kept hidden… but feels safe enough to be felt when conveyed through the words, images and sounds of the creative artists God has gifted us with… over and over again… throughout Time and Space.
I really just want the whole world to have a good cry and get better again. It begins with me… writing this… feeling… crying… tears streaming with every word of expression… touching the space within me. This is what the space said to me…
I felt you. It’s okay. I’ve got you. I’m sorry. I love you. I thank you. I forgive you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
Most of us look at Dandelions and think of them as weeds not worthy of fertilizing. Yet the Dandelion starts out a stunning shade of yellow like that of the Sunflower. Children are drawn to its bright, beautiful color and believe it to be a delightful flower worthy of picking. To a child, the Dandelion is a perfect masterpiece as it is. They are ignorant to the fact it is just a weed.
What is the fate of a Dandelion that no child reaches toward? The once beautiful structure turns grey and is blown by the wind never to be seen again. The Dandelions are much like the lost souls who are suffering in our world without a relationship with God. They are born as a masterpiece of beauty. They begin as precious, innocent babies. Any adult child of God would be drawn to love them, ignorant to the fact the child may be headed for a life of pain, powerlessness, nowhere, nothingness….
What is the fate of the lost souls that no one chooses to reach out to in our world? Feeling unloved, they may be blown by the winds, growing old and grey without knowing a way home to The Father.
The Phlox
The Phlox has a tiny stem. By itself it doesn’t look like a flower of magnificence. Its petals are few and its center is tiny. Do not be deceived by the power of this precious, little flower. This flower can be planted among the rocks and the worst of soil and still flourish and spread. Perhaps it is their tiny roots working together in community to seek their way down to find water in the soil together is what gives them nourishment to multiply the way they do.
If you’ve ever seen a bed of Phlox, you know it can hardly contain itself. No boundary can withhold this flower from spreading its beauty. Each person who has found God is just like one of the Phlox. It is hard to comprehend that one little person in God’s flock can do so much for the rest of the flock, but it is harder to be filled with the Spirit of God when you’re walking the journey alone. By bonding together and gaining nourishment and strength from each other and our source, our cups overflow onto those around us and inevitably we extend our boundaries. Like the Phlox, most who have found God can hardly contain ourselves and we just want to spread God’s Love for the sake of everyone around us.
The Sunflower
The Sunflower has a stem so thick it looks more like a stalk. It is full of the strength needed to uphold its massive flower. The Sunflower does not need anything to lean on like other tall flowers. No fence or trellis is required. The only thing the Sunflower seems to yearn for is the Sun. It looks to the source of its strength every moment of every day, its face obediently turning and following the Sun as it arcs across the sky from East to West, never wavering.
Can you picture how hard it must be for that stalk to bend and follow its source of strength and yet still fulfill its duty to support that enormous flower? When I think of a Sunflower, it reminds me of Jesus. Like the Sunflower, he was so full of the strength needed to uphold his massive mission. He leaned on no one. He always turned to his source, The Father, as his supply of strength. He never wavered.
Is there another flower that has a center like the Sunflower? Its heart is so huge and so full of seeds to be spread on the earth. Likewise, I can think of no other man whose heart was as large as Jesus’. Whether you believe in him or not, you have to admire how big of a heart he had. My heart aches and wants to break over the thought of just one of those that I love not making it to heaven. This man’s heart was so huge his heart ached at the thought of any soul not making it heaven.
He must have been full of sadness for each and every one of us to wish to endure what he did and die for every last one of us. Perhaps he didn’t just go into solitary places to pray but to cry his heart out seeing how far so many were from home. I believe he is watching our world and still crying…….
While he spread so many, many seeds upon the earth to bring souls home to The Father, there are still so many Dandelions in our world who need the Phlox of Gods children to love them.
Faith Without Works
What would happen to the Phlox if each one became comfortable? What if they thought they were safe just by being part of the massive bed? What if they let the others do all the work of extending their boundaries? What if they stopped drawing from their source of nourishment believing they would be nourished by the work of others? Their mass would dwindle and become sparse. Their brilliance would fade since the Phlox are most admirable for their beauty in numbers.
What would our world look like if each one of us who believe in God became comfortable? What if we believed we were safe just being part of the masses but never trying to practice what the mass teaches? What if each of us believed there were others to do the work of extending the boundaries of God’s love and left that work all up to them? How would we treat others if we stopped drawing from the source of our own love from the Father?
You see, that Son flower must still be crying because there are still so many Dandelions out there … lonely, suffering or feeling unworthy, not knowing the love of The Father. They have no one who cares to reach out and fertilize them with love as any young child would do for the Dandelion.
How many in the flock of sheep are too comfortable in our self absorbed world? We must become like little children who run to the Dandelions and proudly say “Look, Daddy, a flower!”. We must run to the Dandelions of our world and with a great sense of joy and pride say to our Heavenly Father, “Look at the precious lost soul I have found and have loved!”
A Prayer for You
To the Phlox: The next time you see a Dandelion, may you be reminded of this parable. May you pray for a soul you know is suffering or feeling unloved to come into the flock of God’s sheep. May you be reminded of your innocence when you were a child and ran to the Dandelions. May you feel deep in your soul you are helping this person, pride within your heart for doing so, and God’s love shining upon you in gladness. Whether that Dandelion is young, bright and yellow one or an old and grey one… please pray, for even children find something worthy in the old and grey ones. In fact, if that Dandelion is an old and grey one, may you take a risk and feel like a child again, pick it, and make a wish upon it for a lost Dandelion of this world.
To the Dandelions: May you know that you are loved by God even if no one extends love to you in this world. May you know that you are beautiful just as you are. May God introduce you to one in his flock who can help lead you into the knowledge of the fullness of God’s love. May you enter the journey of becoming one of those in the flock who can help other Dandelions, for you can identify with the lost souls more then anyone else. You are the least threatening to them and can do the most to reach them since you’ve been one yourself.
To Those Striving to be Sunflowers: May you never give up in your determination. May God give you the strength to endure the rest of your journey and the answers you need in order to get there. May you pray earnestly for the Dandelions of this world. May you feel the sadness that comes with knowing they need your prayers but still not lose sight of the joy. May you pray for those in the Phlox of our world to yearn to be Sunflowers, for just imagine what the world would look like if everyone in the flock of God’s children strove to be as obedient to their source as the Sunflowers. It would be Heavenly!
Pleasure to make your acquaintance! My name is Spencer. Debra gave me that name. I live in a tree in her backyard. The tree is so very kind to open herself up and provide shelter for my family. Did you know that it makes trees happy when animals live inside of them? Trees are nurturers.
Come along with me and I will show you about me and the nice home I have for my family!
Here we are! I make this trip up the tree many times a day. You can actually see the tunnel of my home bulging out from the side of the tree on my right. We’ve dug all the way down into the tree. The entrance to our home is that hole up there at the top where I’m headed!
Some people have been trying to convince Debra she should take the tree down. They say it is not safe if its hollow inside. While I understand they have Debra’s safety in mind, I know the strength of this tree. My instincts will tell me when it is time to vacate and now is not that time. This tree is FULL of life despite the fact it holds space for my family inside.
I see Debra looking at the tree when it is windy and stormy. She sees how strong the tree is and that its limbs barely sway in the breeze. I am really grateful Debra listens to her own intuition and not the people who mean her well. My family would surely hate to lose our home! Debra feels the same way. She is worried about her house because climate change is eroding her property.
One night, Debra prayed to the trees around her house. There are three of them. Two in the back and one in the front. She was very upset and crying in her bed. She reached out to the trees with her heart and mind and communicated to them. She asked them if they could please help support her house. She envisioned the 3 trees and their strong roots getting stronger and thicker. She saw them in her mind meeting up with each other underneath her home and intertwining.
Debra has LOTS of faith in her prayers!!! The trees heard her. The one I live in told me so. I bet you didn’t know that we animals and trees can communicate with each other. Science is starting to explore this. If you’d like you can read more about that in the link below.
Some day it would be nice if you humans could communicate with nature too. After all, we are one big happy family of creation co-existing on this beautiful planet!!! It makes us all so sad in the nature kingdom to know we can all hear each other… and you, but you are all so busy and blocked to hear the sounds of nature. It’s magical!!!
Did you know we love our family members just like you do? Yes… we do. Debra has had the pleasure of witnessing me in action. You see… we know when we are going to have a really hard rain that might flood our home. I, Spencer, come to the rescue when that happens!!!
I get busy gathering leaves to fill the entrance of our home. I make dozens of trips up and down the tree mouthful by mouthful blocking up the hole. I use my nose and push the leaves way down and pack them very tight! You would be surprised how strong and durable this furry little nose is! My head looks like a jackhammer slamming concrete! I become Super Squirrel!!!
Speedy Spencer Look at My Legs Go!
I SEE you Debra! Let me stop and Pose!
Super Spencer! Slamming Leaves Like a Jackhammer!
YES!!! I WILL take a bow for YOU!! I EARNED IT!!!
Don’t I look fantastic! I was so happy to pose for Debra. I felt so good inside when I was done building that blockage! I spent a LOT of work on that. I did it because I LOVE my family.
Then I felt Debra’s sadness. She wondered what I was going to do. She realized there was no way I could be inside with my family during the rain storm. It was up to me board up the hole and then find a safe place to ride out the storm!
Here is where I spent my time. I was there for hours. I nestled up to another tree on a very small branch. I needed to keep a lookout from someplace way up high so I could see the tree where my family lives. I knew they were in good hands in the beloved tree that keeps us warm and safe in its limbs. I actually took a nap!
Riding Out the Storm Alone
Some day I hope to be able to communicate with Debra and reassure her she does not need to be sad for us squirrels. We are doing just fine. It is we who are concerned for humanity. I know Debra is working on that. I hear her thoughts when she sits under the tree where we live. We are all rooting for her! Even the tree!
HARMONY. That’s the ONE word that expresses the world I wish to live in. Yes… I want to LIVE. I’m tired of existing in a rat-race, broken system where people want to get off the wheel, feel trapped in cages, or powerless to do anything of their own might to fix the system. It’s time to break people free of the cages, and not just the literal ones holding kids on the US / Mexico border. Yes, that’s still happening.
I SEE a world where people are happy and thriving because they are giving and caring and working toward a collective common goal: Our Re-Creation.
I SEE a world where we can LIVE in Harmony with our inner selves, nature, and humanity at large.
We’ve had the Renaissance
We’ve had the Reformation
We’ve had the Revivals
We’ve had the Reconstruction
We’ve had the Revolutions
How about we try something new? I believe it is time for our Re-Creation and our Recreation… “Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings. ~Led Zeppelin”. Yes, words matter. So do feelings.
Creation: The act of bringing the world into ordered existence.
The world exists but is so disordered. It is time to get organized. Collaboration is KEY in the 21st Century.
Recreation: (rec-re-a-tion) An act of leisure.
The need to do something for recreation is an essentialelement of human biology and psychology. FUN!!!
When I hear the word recreation, I think of a place I spent summers as a child. “Recreation” was offered for children in the town of West Bridgewater, Massachusetts to spend the day in a safe, enjoyable environment while parents went off to work or took a break from child care.
As an introvert, I do not do well in groups, but I LOVED recreation. There was something for everyone to have FUN! There was sports for the natural athletes, crafts for the natural creatives, and field trips galore to lots of fun and educating places! At the end of each day, you got to take one piece of candy from a big pail and that ONE piece was enough. I loved the root beer barrels.
I still FEEL warm and fuzzies inside when I think of those summer days in my youth playing outdoors at “Recreation”. I knew what FUN was then. It was simple things like a piece of chalk, a jump rope, or even just my hands and another willing person to play “Oh Lady Mack”. As an adult, I now find FUN challenging. We have lost focus on the things that made us FUN people. We have phased out things like music, art and sports in school budgets where the process of creating FUN and collaborative exploration of our human potential all begins.
Warm and fuzzies is what I want it to FEEL like as we re-create us. We don’t need to tear down and start from scratch. We just need to remember and reconnect with the goodness that we already ARE. We don’t need to race to win. We need to relax and re-focus our Vision.
Here are three examples of what I imagine is possible in a Harmonious World. What do you imagine is possible?
It looks like “Recreation” did. Learning through ALL modalities inside and outdoors, exploring through field trips and hands on experience, but better than “Recreation” because it is not about childcare, it’s about child investment. It’s about exposing children to everything we have to offer of Value so they can find their way. It’s about allowing children to discover their place of Value in our World by fostering their natural inner strengths and gifts to come forth. Every one of us has a gift. No longer will it be a misfortune that some of us never get to shine and show it.
It truly breaks my heart to think of the children who are happy, joyous and free in elementary school who later on in middle and high school, realize they do not have what it takes academically. I have watched what has happened to some of my children’s friends. It is not pretty. I believe we lose many children to their own loss of self-worth and inner sense of Value because we focus too much on academic skills. It’s an unnecessary tragedy and an expense on society in more ways than one.
In a re-created World, the joker on the playground is of the same Value as the introverted thinker. The joker does not want to get deep and serious. They want the analytical folks to handle that role. The introvert has no desire to be in the spotlight making people laugh and they SO need the jokers to help bring them out from their depths to laugh.
I see a world where the jokers are working collaboratively to create the greatest scripts to make the World laugh! I see people leaving theatres after a comedy with bellies that hurt from laughing so hard. Do you remember the last time that happened? Does it happen once a decade for you? Not even? Wouldn’t it be great if you got the Value you paid for your ticket and it happened EVERY time? Such things are possible with collective collaboration and holding dear the Value of making people laugh. Everyone knows Laughter is good for the soul!
It is not about trying to get “ahead” of the other guy. It is about showing up where YOUR Value is and serving it Completely. It is about feeling connected to a collective, co-created goal like parts of a clock needing to work in synchronicity for the clock to strike the next hour. No ONE piece is any more important than another. They are ALL necessary components for the clock to work.
When we invest in our world’s infrastructure, the engineers and the laborers should hold the same Value. No engineer wants to do the hard physical work of a laborer and no laborer wants to understand the complexity of engineering a bridge, but in order for humanity to get from Point A to Point B, both roles are essential and should be compensated accordingly.
We need to re-create what it means to be a Valued corporation, Valued employee, and Valued customer. “Earnings” calls need to become about more than “earnings”. They need to become “Value” calls. For those who may not be aware, “Earnings” calls happen regularly to update investors about the financial state of a business. We need to re-shape these calls into a more well-rounded assessment of a business where Five Factors of Value are deemed equally important, including:
Financial Health: This remains important but is no longer the primary indicator of Value. It is unrealistic to expect companies to continually be on an upward growth path. There is something to be said for consistency, and even setbacks that taught us something. We need to understand there are perhaps caps in what a company can contribute to our capitalist system and plan and adapt for it. How many business have reached their cap and then started to cut quality and increase demands on their workforce only to suffer as a result and go out of business, including companies and services we once valued?
Quality, Quality, Quality: There can be no more reducing quality in order to force numbers in an upward climb for investors. We offer products and services we Value and we Value it because Highest Quality is the expectation and NO less.
I cannot tell you how many products I’ve bought with defective packaging from top name companies whose products I value. I’ve also experienced numerous phony internet scams where I’ve been duped into purchasing products I truly would have valued that never came or were nothing like what I ordered. I’ve experienced internet services riddled with bad business practices and fraud. These things cannot continue.
Independent companies should perform audits to measure this Factor but not just to tell a company what’s wrong. They also should provide recommendations and coaching on how to improve. The audits are in no way fear-based and are entirely to help the company be all it can be. A company should have sufficient time to review and respond to the audit and their corrective action plan can weigh into the overall measurement of this Factor.
The Worker: We truly care about showing up to our roles because we stand behind our company and it’s products or services. We are motivated, productive and enthusiastic because we’re doing what makes us happiest to contribute to society. We are Valued by our employers and they compensate us accordingly.
There are ratio caps in the capitalistic pay scale for CEO to Entry Level employee. If a CEO wants to give themselves a $5 million raise next year, fabulous! The standard ratio needs to remain in effect with a raise of proportional size distributed to the entire workforce accordingly. This provides CEOs with the Best and Highest Valued workforce making their company excel and motivating employees to contribute in that shared goal.
Stock options are not a thing. Stock grants are standard annually to all employees based on the financial health of the company the prior year. Everybody wants to do more, be more and thrive more collectively.
Finally, ethics policies are something that go both ways. A company will be ethically responsible for abiding by fair compensation ratios and providing you with the best health insurance available regardless of health conditions. We are proud to work for companies and they treat us right, even when life’s challenges come our way, because we contribute our Valued time and share our Valued skillsets. We are never asked to withhold or keep secret the unethical business practices of a company for protection purposes. The “See something. Say something.” rule is followed up with action towards changing what is unethical, not sweeping it under the rug or hiding it. Transparency and Truth need to matter… even the ugly Truth. Awareness and admittance is simply adult accountability and the first steps required toward change.
We review our employers anonymously through an independent third party contractor to measure the Value companies are providing for their workers, and to allow workers to safely express if they are still doing what they Value. Growth and transitions are carefully planned for and encouraged, including transitioning to another company if you’ve outgrown what the company or position offers. There is NO holding anyone back from fulfilling their Highest dreams because achieving those dreams helps the collective.
The Customer: The customer Values us and our products. They want to keep coming back for more because we offer the Highest Quality. They experience happy, enthusiastic people who are doing what they LOVE and being compensated appropriately for it.
We Value those customers by offering them annual stock grants or purchase incentives based on a ratio of their purchases history the prior year. This motivates customers to capitalize on their own investments in the growth of the wonderful company they Value. They’ll want to keep purchasing!
In order to get their incentives, customers simply need to provide a review. The reviews are used as a measurement of satisfaction and Value being offered to customers. It should not matter if the review is negative or positive. All feedback helps a company deliver higher quality and better service. There are plenty of great review systems already available to us. Those need to become more than informational and be deemed true Value ratings.
Philanthropic Contribution: Every company is expected to contribute in their community or to the World at large. There is so much that needs repair in our World. It is up to US to get to work. ALL of us. Every worker should have a paid volunteer opportunity to contribute their heart’s calling to the healing of our World. Even the retired can choose an opportunity to serve and receive tax breaks. I sure do miss the old lady whose only job at Walmart was to stand at the entrance and happily say “Welcome to Walmart!”
Volunteer work is where we connect to our goodness. It is where we re-connect with compassion and love by showing up where help is dearly needed and appreciated. Maybe some folks really connect to nature and can help clean up the earth. Maybe some don’t have an 8 year psychology degree but people love to tell them their problems. Their listening, compassionate, gentle-mannered demeanors might make them great people to assist with the ever growing mental health crises in our country.
Reviews should be submitted by both the volunteer and organization served to assess the Value the company provided in the volunteer opportunity. Heart Happiness should be the scale of measurement. All of us want to be helped in some way and all of us have gifts to share. When we take the time to reconnect with our selfless selves through service, we reconnect with a meaningful part of ourselves where we feel like we Matter. That makes us Feel better and Be better people and workers. It’s a simple domino effect.
Where do we start? Well for starters, I suggest we abolish our own tax loopholes. How many of you get statements from “Delaware” corporations? None of them pay taxes. That’s right. The news seems to focus on illegal offshore tax shelters, but what about the fact our first state is a tax shelter for businesses who don’t do business in the tiny state of Delaware if they incorporate there. Frankly, I’m not sure there’s even enough real estate there for them to do so. Think your BIG name companies paying ZERO taxes. All companies should be contributing at the same base tax rate with incentives for breaks solely based on how the company is performing with the Five Factors of Value. Those with the highest scores on all Five Factors of Value should receive the most tax breaks for exemplifying and making possible the Harmony we all desire.
The financial crisis dramatically exposed the dangers of what I call the lie of scarcity: the mindset that tells us we can never have enough and drives us to drive above all and against all for more and more. ~Lynn Twist, The Soul of Money
Perhaps the idea of scarcity exists because we were hell bent on super-sizing everything. I think we have confirmed “It is the Little things that Matter”. Now it’s Time to Act upon what we learned and Re-Create our disordered World into one where Harmony reigns because we desire it, deserve it, and deliberately choose to make it happen no matter how challenging the transition.
I, for one, do NOT believe in the lie of scarcity or limitations. I believe when we all contribute our Fair Value and work together, there is NO limitation in the World we can Re-Create. I see a symphony of souls moving towards a shared goal of Value in all that is Good IN us and FOR us because we are being led by our moral compass and not the Almighty Dollar. We FEEL we are Enough, and there IS enough for Everyone because we are focused on having just Enough… like ONE piece of candy. Everything is flowing like a synchronistic stream of energizing music propelling us towards a World where we LIVE for the Highest and Best for ALL.
Every one of us wants the same things deep down, and I believe that is to LIVE, not exist, in Harmony with other living beings and our planet. Matter is what we ARE. Matter we do. I desire to re-create our World in such a way that we actually FEEL like we Matter. ~Debra
Tonight I meditated with Whim Hof breathing. It’s like rocket fuel for the soul to experience direct connection to Source. The Energy is simply Amazing!!!
I connected with the Mantra…
I AM. I AM. I AM.
“I” on the inhale. “AM” on the exhale. It’s my favorite mantra. I consider it a short and sweet form of a verse in the Holy Bible that always gives me peace.
BE STILL And KNOW that I AM GOD.
~Psalm 46:10
I then changed the Mantra. I added ONE Word.
I AM PEACE. I AM PEACE. I AM PEACE.
“I AM” on the inhale. “PEACE” on the exhale. I then thought… “Oh what a longing that must be for God/Source/Consciousness to finally see the people on earth at Peace!”
No more games. No more puzzles. No more confusion. No more trauma. No more suffering. No more isolation. No more inequality. No more racism. No more hatred. No more greed. No more division. No more wars. PEACE!!!
I then embraced Peace into my being. I pondered the idea that God so desires to see ALL the bits and pieces of ITSELF… the Grand Mosaic Puzzle Master… come together in a state of eternal Peace.
Suddenly two puzzle pieces emerged in the blackness of my mind. I saw them draw near to each other like magnets. I heard the click of a linkage as the pieces connected. I felt the energy of being solidly Linked IN. I watched more puzzles pieces appear and begin to connect. The process began speeding up naturally with perfect peace and ease.
I felt the expansion of Love and Joy in my heart as the puzzle was all coming together. God looked and saw what it had made. There were NO missing pieces. There was only Perfect Perpetual Peace. It was beyond GOOD. It was GREAAAAAAT!!!
The first law in thermodynamics is the law of energy conservation. It states that energy can be transformed from one form to another, but can neither be created nor destroyed. All energy is source energy. We are tiny drops in the endless sea of God’s creation that goes on unto infinity and can never be destroyed. God IS perfect love and peace.
May peace reign forever and ever and ever with the gentleness of a light spring shower on a warm sunny day. That’s when rainbows are revealed.
~Debra
Peace. Peace. Peace be unto us and unto ALL Living Beings.
~Swami Paramananda, Vedanta Centre founder, Cohasset, MA
To commune daily with God in deep meditation, and to carry His love and guidance with you into all your dutiful activities, is the way that leads to permanent peace and happiness.
Do you not believe that I am in the Father, and the Father in Me? The words that I speak to you I do not speak on My own authority; but the Father who dwells in Me does the works. Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father in Me, or else believe Me for the sake of the works themselves. “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do…
~Jesus Christ (John 14:10) Prince of Peace
The Kingdom of God is Within YOU. ~Jesus Christ (Luke17:21)
What is REAL? I mean really? When it comes to quantum mechanics, nothing is real. Everything is in motion, continually transforming from one point to another with multiplicities of possibilities in between Point A to Point B. By the time energy in motion comes to exist as Point B, it has already transformed to another possibility being thought of during the transition from A to B.
So is there ever Really a Point B since the initial vision of Point B transforms with each step taken on the journey towards Point B. It would seem more Real to say we are always journeying from Point A to Point X… the Unknown.
In the world of computing, the asterisk is known as a wild card symbol to allow Unknown objects to be revealed. When I look at the asterisk (*), I can’t help but notice it’s an X overlaying an I. Perhaps we are symbolic of the “I” and “X” is the wild card spaces that exists and can only be revealed when we allow the unseen to be seen, the unfelt to be felt, and the unthought of to become thought.
What is it to be REAL? Authentic? Transparent? Is that an imagined state of being? Wide Open… Clear… See through like cellophane… Is that possible?
Who dares to be vulnerably raw and real? I mean who really likes digging in to SEE things about yourself that you don’t want to see, much less allow other to see. Why would we want to see them in others? Restriction. That’s why.
To withhold or deny the parts of us that we may call bad or ugly is to restrict the true, expansive freedom of expression of who we are when we are feeling and being our BEST. Expansion feels SO much better than restriction. Haven’t we had enough restrictions over the past several years?
So am I ever being fake? Or am I simply delayed when I’m not being authentic or living up to the potential dreams of possibilities I carry in my mental suitcase? Is it not clarity of sight when a moment arrives that we feel uncomfortable inside ourselves? There in That moment our consciousness is providing a compass of realization that a future Reality is something we desire more than our current one. Awareness allows the doors of other possibilities to be Possible.
I believe it is possible to live in an authentically real world if we give up resisting and restricting and allow ourselves and others to be real and transparent around us. Otherwise, we are only delaying and keeping authentic reality trapped by our inability to acknowledge it. Nor should we limit it from coming to fruition because we don’t necessarily like what we see from a small glimpse of a thought because we don’t yet understand the full picture. How could we? We haven’t allowed ourselves to experience it, perhaps because we are stuck in fear based awful-izing.
So what is transparency really? Is it the idea of a flawlessly clear human? What human is flawless? NONE. Every single one of us has flaws. It is part of the Human Condition. So is discovering our Awesomeness!!!
Have you not discovered something about yourself that you didn’t realize was within you at one point in your life? The way to Awesome is through the Awful. It isn’t always as awful as it seems to get there. In fact it can sometimes be Awe-Fully Wonderful!!!
Imagination is SO important! Yet even our imaginations can pale in comparison to what IS Possible in Reality. We just haven’t experienced it yet. It’s still behind the curtain as the unknown Point X or the wild card * space. What exists in the wild card space of consciousness that has yet to be experienced? I imagine it’s Awesomely WILD and WONDERFUL!!!
Are you looking out? Or are you looking in? The Wizard is within You. Our brains think the visionary thoughts. The heart moves energy of desire within towards the vision. Ultimately, it comes down to courage to push through fear and take action towards arriving at the next Point X.
In May 1944, my grandfather, Arthur Bornemann, was stationed in Washington D.C. as a United States Marine. There he met my grandmother Lois who was serving her church and was “kind” and fed him. He took a liking to her for this and they exchanged addresses. Recently, I was given the gift of the 100+ Love Letters he wrote to my grandmother during his time serving our Country. Apparently, she had an immediate liking to him as well since she saved the very first letter he ever wrote. It begins with…
“Dear Lois,
Remember me?”
As a child, I had always wanted to know what it was like for him fighting in wars, but he was too tight-lipped to talk about it. When he passed in 2016, I thought he had taken his stories to the grave with him. I now have been given this wonderful opportunity to finally hear his stories through the letters and I feel called to share them with the World.
I think it is important to give readers and listeners a true, first-hand account of one United States Marine’s experiences serving our Country during World War II. I did not learn until after his death that he was one of only two Marines to survive a deadly battle of Guadalcanal campaign. The campaign was the turning point in the war and the first major victory for the Allies. There is no doubt he witnessed the full horrors of War. It should be a telling journey.
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This is a true, first-hand account of the innermost thoughts of Art to his beloved Lois, written while serving our country as a United States Marine during World War II. My name is Debra and I am sharing the gifts of Art’s Love Letters. Art was my grandfather and Lois was my grandmother. It was 1944 and they were 21 years old when the letters began.
An entire week has transpired since the last letter that Art wrote. It appears Art did get the weekend pass he’d hoped to get but was not banking on until it was in his pocket.
The Letter Transcript
Wednesday, July 5, 1944
My Dearest Lois,
Received the first letter today and was it ever a lovely letter. Keep it up, Honey, you sure did a beautiful job on that one.
Makes me feel so wonderful to read you think I am okay. Really, Honey, I’m not good enough for you but if you feel that way about me it simply is lovely beyond words. All I’ll ever want to do, Lois, is make you happy and I know it will be that way always.
Sorry to hear about the talk you and Alice had but then I suppose she has her own way of looking at things. Personally, your perfectly correct in telling her she was afraid of married life. In fact, I think Alice thinks a little too much of herself and not of others. I think she is a swell girl but just has the wrong slant on things.
I can imagine how sleepy you were, Lois, and you had better get some very soon or I am going to worry about you. You must be glad to have that play out of the way now. The play plus me is some strain.
Honey, today I ran into some trouble. Thought that I was all over worrying about coming in late from Washington but this morning it broke. Somebody, and I know who it was, let it slip to the Gunner I was late coming back on the pass. Was called up for office hours and had quite a bawling out, also received two weeks restriction to the base. Not worried about that as I never go in town anyways but was plenty sore at the way it was done. Going to have it out with my “buddy” when I run into him. The Gunner is a real straight guy and I have no picks coming from him. Simply should not have happened if some big mouth had kept quiet. Did have enough money, Honey, just enough should I say. No worries about that as our checks will be here tomorrow.
Yes, Lois, hereafter I’ll have to get back on time. Easy to say here, but when I’m with you it is so terribly hard. If my Honey had not driven me out things would really have been bad. Darling, I so want to be with you all the time. If only we could be married so very soon. Guess I’ll have to hold off until you get your things together and I save a bit more money. Being at Cherry Point won’t be too bad and if I stay there any length of time you could live there, that is after we are married.
You said that right, Lois, parts of your letter did set me on fire. Lot of good it does me with you so far away. And then we have so long to wait. Good thing you have more self-control than I have. Well, anyway it is really something to look forward to, isn’t it?
I too hope the period isn’t around the next time. You still were your own sweet self, Honey, but it does keep us from doing some things. Not that I minded while up there as would never have known you were in the pink if you had not told me. Keeping track though aren’t you?
I’ll figure out that trip to Stanton on a map Lois, and let you know. It should be easier to go directly there so will find out about it.
Before I close out, do as those girls in the office said, stop thinking about me and eat something. Awfully sweet of you to say that Honey, but I do want you to eat so you’ll have your health.
Enough for today, Lois, will write again tomorrow. Oh yes, went sailing today, wishing you were along. Closed my eyes and thought about being in the canoe with you. Bye Honey.
With Love Always Yours, Art
PS: All the boys thought the bracelet was swell! So do I.
Questions, Conclusions and Commentary
Commentary: I find it interesting that Art feels “wonderful” to know that Lois thinks he is “okay”. Okay is sufficient and good enough to him even though he feels not good enough… Humanity’s “core wound”. I need to remember the next time I feel “not good enough” or feel I’m not doing enough, or spectacular enough that “okay” is okay and perfectly wonderful and to find gratitude in that just like Art did.
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My mother told me I was a very happy child until I turned 5 years old. She didn’t know what happened but she observed something in me changed. I was to learn what happened when I was in my late 30s undergoing intense EMDR therapy to recover from the traumatic event of childhood rape. All future trauma events including the rape, were re-touching this earlier place and engraining patterns of fear-based thinking I had adopted about myself. When I unraveled almost all darkness holding me hostage, I found it all led back to this ONE Moment in Time.
I lived in an apartment complex in Brockton arranged as lots of 4 buildings in square formations with a courtyard in the middle of each square where kids could play in a grassy area. A paved path encircled the grassland where you could walk and ride bikes. I learned to ride my first bike on that path at age 3. My mother’s rule was I allowed to play outside so long as I remained in the confines of the courtyard.
There was an older girl named Louise who lived in my square who I looked up to very much. She wanted to go to another courtyard where my friend Heather I met at kindergarten lived. I asked my mother if I could go. She liked Louise too and knew I admired her. She agreed to entrust me to her care and off we went.
We played for a while in Heather’s courtyard and then Louise wanted to venture into the woods behind Heather’s building. I remember peering into the woods and getting a very bad feeling inside of myself. It was called Intuition. I did not want to go. It looked scary to me and I remembered my mother’s rule not to ever venture outside the courtyards. I didn’t have many rules as a child but I remember that one.
Heather seemed excited and curious about the woods and wanted to go. The second bad feeling then happened inside of me. I was ashamed that I was afraid. I did not want to let the girls know how I felt so I mentioned my mother said I was never to go outside the courtyard. The girls did not seem to hear me or didn’t care. They started venturing down the embankment into the woods. I was left standing all by myself.
The third bad feeling suddenly washed over me. I had a choice and I had to make it NOW. Pressure. The choice was to follow the girls into the woods or be left behind all by myself, which frightened me even more than being with the girls in the woods. I ran down the embankment to catch up to them. This would be a future pattern appearing in my life… not listening to my intuition… being more afraid of being left out or alone than putting myself in bad situations.
We traveled for a while through the woods and I began to relax. Nothing seemed very scary. We eventually got to a break in the woods and came out into this big open field. I was grateful to be in this place of expansion and light and open air flowing. It was so much better than the dark, cramped, wetland woods.
There was a warn looking building off in the distance. Louise knew all about it. She was happy to go visit the hens that lived inside of it. When we got to the hen house, Louise opened the door and the smell was horrific coming out of it. The girls ventured inside and the fourth bad feeling came over me. I comprehended we were going into someone else’s property and I did not like that. I knew I would not want someone in my house bothering my hens. I was suddenly conscious that I was left standing outside where I could be seen by people driving by on the road in the distance and became gripped with fear of being caught. I went inside feeling like I was safe if I was unseen, a belief that can still hold me hostage today.
I thought I could breathe and relax when I got inside but instead I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I held my breath because the smell was so bad. I could feel this intense pressure building inside of me as each second passed waiting for the girls to tire of their little adventure playing with the hens, which I had no desire to do. There was so many of them and they were clacking away and running towards me and I wasn’t sure if they would hurt me or not. They did not seem happy to see us.
I thought for sure I would feel a sense of relief as soon as we got outside. How wrong I was! The minute we stepped outside a long, black car was parked at the side of the road. A man got out of the driver side. He was dressed in a black suit and he had an orange head but I did not see his face. A woman then got out of the passenger side. She was wearing a long white flowing gown with long white blond hair and she looked like a ghost. They started running towards us and were yelling in anger. The girls started to run back into the woods from where we came. I was so much smaller than both of them and I could not keep up. I looked back as I ran and the man’s orange hair and large facial features caused me to believe that a screaming, scary jack-o-lantern and a real ghost lady were coming after us. I was terrified!
I watched the distance between me and the girls growing and growing as I ran. I looked back and the Halloween people were still chasing us. I began to cry and scream to the girls believing I would be captured. The girls looked back and realized I was not going to make it on my own. They circled back and each grabbed one of my arms and began sprinting for the woods at their pace. My legs were bouncing off the ground with a foot hitting the ground occasionally between bounces. I bounced so hard at once point, my shoe came off. We did not stop to retrieve it.
On top of the emotional trauma, I suffered injuries running without a shoe through wooded land that was rocky, filled with fallen trees and branches, and uneven marshy wetness causing my ankles to buckle when stepping on soft spots covered by leaves. I was a mess by the time we made it back to Heather’s courtyard.
The terror did not leave me just because we were now safe. I still had to face my mother in this condition, all because “I” broke her rule. An unforgiveable offense to my soul, one I had paid dearly for repeatedly with each new intensified fear-filled feeling. I now knew why it was a rule. Here is where I learned to be unforgivably hard on myself.
When Louise and I got back to my apartment, I could not even talk. The feelings of guilt inside of me for not listening to my mother and the traumatic outcome brought me such unspeakable sadness. I loved her so very much. I did not want her to be mad at me or worry about me. My mother was a worry wart and when she was in that state, I was in that state feeling intense emotions of fear in my chest. Thankfully, Louise did all the talking. After all, she had been the one in charge of my care.
I was so traumatized, I can remember I could not speak for days without my throat hurting in deep sadness. In fact, I got very sick and I missed school. For years, I tried to make sense that perhaps it was Halloween and those people were dressed in costumes, but it just did not compute with the fact that Louise brought me home my Valentine’s Day cards since I missed school. I now believe my state of trauma caused me to see things that were more scarier than they were. One too many fear based emotions and I overloaded.
I remember Louise trying to make me happy with the Valentine’s Day cards. I can still remember her look of shame of responsibility on her face when she saw me in such a bad physical state. I owned her shame too. I did not like to feel her pain and I felt it deeply as she was trying to encourage me to talk with her. I perceived that if I felt better, it would make her feel better and she would not have as much guilt. I remember trying to push my deep sadness deeper down inside myself, so I could be what she needed me to be…
Happier and Healthier
The only thing that made me feel better was the loving touch of my mother when she cared for my sickness. Somehow I knew she still loved me because of her tenderness but I thought I had lost it and deserved to. I spent many, many years of my life trying to prove my own self worth and lovability. I learned through my EMDR rape recovery that I was loveable and forgivable and even became aware of trusting my Intuition.
As I was undergoing this intensive EMDR treatment, I dumped on my mom emotionally about my remembrance of this story and how much it had bothered me internally. She said she knew exactly what I was talking about with the long black car that used to drive around. She said the reason it was the rule not to leave the courtyard was because a girl had gotten raped in the neighborhood. How ironic I should learn this as I was recovering from my own rape.
The silver lining to this story is… I did the work and EMDR was worth it! I can allow myself to enjoy physical touch with another human being today and not cringe inside and hold my breath. I was formerly known as the family member who it was painful to give a hug to. They could feel it in me… Don’t touch me.
I am still striving for Happier and Healthier at the age of 52. Today, I trust my Intuition. I also have LOTS of Moments in Time to be grateful for that make my soul happy. My goal is to keep creating more of them and continue to work towards Healthier so I can be around to do so!
This is a true, first-hand account of the innermost thoughts of Art to his beloved Lois, written while serving our country as a United States Marine during World War II. My name is Debra and I am sharing the gifts of Art’s Love Letters. Art was my grandfather and Lois was my grandmother. It was 1944 and they were 21 years old when the letters began.
An entire week has transpired since the last letter that Art wrote. It appears Art did get the weekend pass he’d hoped to get but was not banking on until it was in his pocket. He speaks of his time wt
The Letter Transcript
Tuesday, July 4, 1944
My Dearest One,
Just finished my washing and what a wash day it was. Not hard labor though as we now have a washing machine in our barracks. Quite easy that way, isn’t it?
Went to the dentist this morning and my wisdom tooth is going to be yanked. It is coming through the wrong way, butted up against another one. The gums are swollen and there is a slight infection. Bothered me a bit up in Washington. Next week sometime the pulling will take place. Some job so they tell me.
Feel real good today though after a swell sleep, simply died for the night. Got up early, for me, about six and was racing to go.
Oh yes, also went to the barbers this morning. Needed one pretty bad up in Washington didn’t you notice. You probably wouldn’t have said anything if you did, trying to be so darn nice to me.
Wrote home a little while ago and told Sis about the weekend. Told her almost everything we did and how I hated to come back. If my little Lois had said the word, yours truly would still be up there. Naturally I left out our little talks, etc. that will always remain between the two of us, right?
You know, Honey, it might be a good idea if you read up on that subject some more at the library. That is where I am headed after writing this letter. I’m surprised at the things I didn’t know after talking for a while. There is quite a lot to it and to insure a perfect marriage it is wise to find it all out. It isn’t like most fellows think, like I told you. There is much more than two people getting together. That is what causes more trouble than anything in marriages, ignorance of certain things. Like the fellows in the barracks, all of them believe they are in the know but it is surprising how many of them couldn’t answer many questions on sex. Most of them anyway have only one thought in mind and that is their own pleasure.
Our marriage isn’t going to be that way as we both have started it on the right way. We both will have a darn good knowledge of what it is all about. And that is the way it should be, sex must be treated as an open subject.
Naturally a couple of times I did get a bit passionate, Honey, but it simply couldn’t be helped. I don’t want you thinking bad of me because, Darling, it is bound to happen. After all, Hun, I am a man. Love, you know, is more than just what I am writing about and Lois I truly love you so much. To have and to hold you always is always on my mind. Love is the sweetest thing – never thought I could be sentimental but you, you little angel did it to me.
Every time I come back from Washington the first thing the fellows all ask is “Did you get married?” They all know you from my talking about you. I told them the next time yours truly has a leave we will be married, that is up from a five or ten day leave. But that is not for a while yet, darn it!
How is everything with you, Honey? Hope by the time this letter gets there you have had a few nights rest. And how is work, having any trouble with that new boss of yours?
Time to say goodbye, Hun. Let’s see, maybe there might be a letter tomorrow. Hope there is or I’m going to be disappointed. Say hello to the girls for me. Will write again tomorrow. Bye.
With All My Love, Art
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The Calling 