I love God, sunsets, and the night sky. I desire the expression one feels when viewing such things to be spilled out onto paper… flowing like a river of tears… taking the reader deeper and deeper inside of themselves… to the place that hurts… the place no one touches… the place we don’t allow others… or even perhaps ourselves to touch… the place of a small space kept hidden… but feels safe enough to be felt when conveyed through the words, images and sounds of the creative artists God has gifted us with… over and over again… throughout Time and Space.
I really just want the whole world to have a good cry and get better again. It begins with me… writing this… feeling… crying… tears streaming with every word of expression… touching the space within me. This is what the space said to me…
I felt you. It’s okay. I’ve got you. I’m sorry. I love you. I thank you. I forgive you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
So here I am beginning to blog. I’ve only been talking about it for a month now but resisting. What was the big hold back? Well… DOUBT. Every time I began contemplating what to write, my thoughts would turn to all kind of questions… the defeating kind of questions… the kind of questions that tell me I’m worthless… the kind of questions that stop me in my tracks from being a useful source to humanity. But the real waste isn’t in sharing worthless material… it’s in not sharing at all. So here I am… writing about the questions.
“Who would really want to read your blog? I mean what makes you so special?”
“What makes you think you have anything worthwhile to say… to read… and do you really think anyone is going to get any REAL benefit out of it? REALLY???? Who are you kidding?”
“Aren’t you being a little high and mighty and grandiose by calling your blog ‘The Calling’?”
“Do you really have a calling? If so, why aren’t you out there ministering to the world instead of spending all your free time on Facebook when you’re not working, doing domestication stuff, mothering 2 kids and hosting a plethora of neighborhood kids?”
I mean look at you Deb… you’ve got THREE kids and one of them isn’t even speaking to you right now. Yeah okay… people love you… people want to hear what you have to say… you touch people alright. Look at all of the people who’ve been fleeing your life because of YOU!!
Ministry should start at home before trying to help heal the world! And look at all the brokenness in the relationships around you that YOU caused because of YOUR decision to divorce your husband!! Look at your damn life for God’s sakes!!! What the fuck are you thinking??? Get a freaking grip!!!
Okay… I’ve said it! I’ve exposed all my fears. I’ve let the cats out of the bag. They can really claw at me now! But maybe… just maybe… the cats needed to be released. Not so I can be wounded by judgment or failure….so I can make space… so the cats can run wild… away from here.
The truth is… there really aren’t any cats… and there is no bag. It’s all in your mind and you don’t really believe what your mind is projecting anyway. Deep down… you believe in YOU… the gentle, loving, strong, giant Light that you ARE… king of the jungle… Leo the Lioness. So let yourself ROAR girl!! Share what you’ve got to say even if you’ve got no clue where you’re going with it. JUST WRITE!!!
Alrighty then! Let’s look at those questions again now that the imaginary cats are gone. Let’s look at them with the eyesight of the Lioness.
“Who would really want to read your blog? I mean what makes you so special?”
Well… LOTS of people! Just look at all the people who read and intimately respond and react to your Facebook stuff. Look at all the people who seem to truly care about Deb and Deb’s world and what Deb has to say. You ARE special because you FEEL special by all of the wonderful people you label as ‘special’ that you interact with. You say it ALL the time… “water seeks its own level”! Believe it!!
I’ll be honest… sometimes I ask myself why people care to interact with me? I am continually in awe over the people… total strangers… who find me on Facebook and make very real soul-felt connections with me. I am amazed at the time people take out of their day to read through what can sometimes be very lengthy threads on my wall or very LONG comments I make on their posts. I know they do because of what they add to the conversation. They WANT to participate and I can clearly see they have a desire to share their own personal experiences, wisdom and words of encouragement with me… not to mention other viewers who may benefit. So yeah! I’ve got an audience and I KNOW it!
“What makes you think you have anything worthwhile to say… to read… and do you really think anyone is going to get any REAL benefit out of it?
Well… let’s look at the evidence. There are numerous people who’ve told you the impact you’ve have had on them by what you’ve shared on Facebook. How many times have you taken a leap of faith and posted things you were hesitant to put out and people have appreciated your honesty or told you it was EXACTLY what they needed to hear? Or how about all the silent observers you thought were laughing at you for putting your personal stuff out there and sharing your candid openness with respect to God and spirituality?
Yes indeed… there have been many of them who have sent private messages to tell you how much you inspire them and given them courage to make some very REAL changes in their lives. Yes Deb, YOU’VE GOT IT!! You’ve got stuff to say!!! Not only that, but the stuff you have to say is THE most valuable stuff a person can talk about… soul stuff! You believe this with all your heart so DON’T doubt the worthiness of what you’ve got to say for a second, because this is the stuff that makes living your life worthwhile. You believe in it!!!
“Aren’t you being a little high and mighty and grandiose by calling your blog page ‘The Calling’?”
Well… NO! One thousand percent NO!!!! Of all the questions you could ask yourself, this one is filled with the most bullshit and you KNOW it! You know it because the answer came so quickly and you felt your energy shifting towards conviction. You can see it in the point blank “NO”, nothing further needs to be said.
Why do I know I have a calling? Well… because I’ve had it for a really, really long time; because I’ve answered it on various occasions in a variety of ways and witnessed the results; because it pulls on my soul continuously in a way that I cannot ignore; because I always seem to be in a waiting state for the next Call; because I’ve experienced the magical mystery of an open line of communication with and without words between myself and others through the speaker of all speakers… GOD.
I’ll never forget when I first knew I was called to be a voice for God in the world. It was at a group gathering held weekly in a private home. Initially, I had been the seeker in that group. I had so many questions and rarely received answers. One member, Kevin Dixon, recognized the strong desire for truth in me and introduced me to another type of group where I engaged in the most soul-searching process of my life. I found the answers… they were within me the whole time. Simultaneously I became engaged to the greatest love of my life… my God.
Well, one Sunday night the topic of the meeting was about the God of our understanding and there were many in the room that had little to no understanding. As each person took turns going around the room, I listened and my heart was breaking… they didn’t know. They were pondering, they were inquiring, they were ridiculing, they were angry at him, but not one of them KNEW God. I could feel an energy building inside of me. It felt like a fear-based energy because there was a heat… a build-up… a rushing feeling inside of me… like a flame turning into a powerful fire very quickly… the fire of God.
When it came time for my turn to speak, I opened my mouth and the words just flowed effortlessly. Gone was the intensity of the fire and it was replaced with a peace. The words that came from my mouth were gentle, yet strong; simple but conveyed deep wisdom; promoting but yet attracting every single person in the room.
I still don’t even remember what I said, but I will never forget the experience of it. There was a spellbound atmosphere in the room. It was as if time stopped and everyone’s souls were wide open and deeply hungry and there was me… I was not the food… but I was the delivery girl. I could literally feel the transference of something going on while I was speaking, as if there was an invisible umbilical cord between me and all of them.
When I was done speaking, the room was speechless and there was a sense of awe in everyone’s eyes that asked “What just happened? What did I just witness? What did I just experience? Give me more!!” I could feel it in all of them. I would hear from each of them individually in the days following telling me how powerful it was.
There was one guy, Wayne, who never looked at me quite the same after that day. He actually made me feel uncomfortable at times the way he would look at me as if I was different. He would openly refer to me with other people as a very deeply spiritual person. I didn’t feel like I deserved this kind of reference because I felt I had only just begun my walk on the spiritual path. Not only that, the power was not from me. I was the messenger but the message was not mine. It was from God.
Because of this experience I knew exactly what the bible was referring to when years later I read it and discovered the passages that said” Jesus spoke as one who had authority” (even though he was not in the authoritative role of a Pharisee), and what Jesus meant when he himself said “These words are not mine, they are from my father”.
To this day, I still get those warning signs that God wants to use me and I am supposed to speak and someone always comes up to me afterwards and confirms I heeded the Call. So why am I not content to just continue to do what I do with speaking? Well… because God isn’t content with that. He’s been calling me into new directions for some time now. I don’t know the “what’s” or the “where’s” but I’ve felt the tremendous pull and I’ve remained open to the details falling into place. I don’t think writing is the only direction he is calling me to either.
Why a blog? Well… a number of people have told me I write beautifully and say I have an ability to share things beyond the copy/paste quotes that I put out daily. It was mentioned to me a while back by my friend Marie that I should start my own website or blog. I tucked it away and felt like it was a good possibility but didn’t feel it was the right time with everything I had going on in my life.
Recently I’ve been developing a new friendship with my co-worker Cindy who is a writer. I shared a few of my writings with her and she spoke to me as “one who has authority” and told me very strongly to “JUST WRITE!!!” It was a different type of authority if you know what I mean (haha). Through my resistance the past month, she keeps encouraging me in a very adamant way. Something tells me she won’t give up until I do it, so here I am. If anyone is helped by my blog, they can thank Cindy, the force who pushed me and helped me set it up. She may not realize it, but she is a messenger herself… because God used her to push me for His purposes.
“Do you really have a calling? If so, why aren’t you out there ministering to the world? And what about your current messed up life situation?”
Well… I believe I have given much to those who appear to be broken or who have vacated my life. I trust that God, in his infinite wisdom and bearer of blessings, is going to be the power that transforms their lives and I am very clear that it’s NOT going to be through me. If I have any part in it at all, it’s only that I allowed the opportunity for God to make such transformations by heeding the very real, very strong Call on my own life for a re-direction.
So what do I hope to accomplish with this blog page? To do exactly what I do on Facebook but on a more extensive level of writing…. to be me… to share me… to share what God would have me share of my doubts, my fears, my strength, my wisdom, my faith, my experience, my hopes and my dreams for myself and the world.
It has always been clear to me I am not supposed to be a religious leader, in part because there isn’t any one religion whose dogma I believe in whole-heartedly and in part because I don’t like the spotlight. I prefer to remain a humble behind-the-scenes kind of servant of God… quietly touching as many lives as I can and bringing healing in a way that allows people to touch and heal a deeper part of themselves and remove what blocks them from knowing true joy, true peace, true happiness, and true love… for that is what God IS.
(Written in 2011… my initial calling… which I heard but put on pause in 2012 due to a detour to love and release a devil disguised as an angel delivered to me through Facebook. It took years for me to recover. Break time is over!!! Time to play catch up!!! ~8/2/2020)
Not too long ago I had what I call a major breakthrough. It was the beginning of a falling away of many thoughts, beliefs and patterns of living that were holding me hostage; too many to cover in just one blog. Not coincidentally, it was Fall when this happened. So I’m calling this The Great Fall.
You see… for years, I had been living my life with a HUGE sense of responsibility to help rouse the sleeping souls. What I mean by sleeping souls are those people who exist day in and day out… caught in traps of soul suffering and discontentment… missing out on All That Is present right here, right now….
Perfect Perpetual Peace
Ultimate Reverberating Joy
Abundant Love Beyond All Love
Complete Oneness in Essence with All Living Beings
Experiencing the Fullness of Your Being
Feeling Intensely Alive!!!
Truly Knowing The “All That Is”… GOD Within.
I’ve felt this. I’ve experienced this. I KNOW this. From the moment I experienced this in all its mystical and magnificent glory, my life has never been the same. The reaction that followed shortly thereafter was a sense of sorrow for all the people who don’t know this experience. After all, I didn’t know it… until I KNEW it.
I began to feel the weight of people’s suffering in this world on a very deep level. I’ve always had a compassionate heart but this was empathy in a way I had not experienced before. I carried it silently within me and there was an imperious urge to help the lost and suffering; to do anything and everything I can to help unblock people from their soul pain; to help them see and feel and KNOW the truth of what exists. For those who are near and dear to me such as my children, my goal was to minimize their pain; to do everything I could to prevent them from becoming blocked from the Light of their own Spirits. I was on a Mission.
Unfortunately and fortunately, I don’t live in this ecstatic state 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Otherwise, I might not even know suffering exists and wouldn’t have the heart to help. The truth is, I still experience my own periods of soul suffering. However, when I’m not lost in my own stuff or giving everything I have to work through it, I’ve been doing my best to give my all to help in the healing of others; or to share a glimpse of peace, joy, or love to people whom I cross paths with and pain I feel, even if our lives intersect for only a moment.
Although I believed I was making a difference all these years, it never quieted the urge within me. It only made it stronger. My heart ached deeper for the pain of other people… for their separation from the “All That Is”… from themselves.
What began as a Mission eventually grew into a dire desperation. It was as if I was hanging from a rope for dear life and the rope was tearing through the flesh of my palms. No matter how painful it got, I had to keep grasping and trying to help people, even at the expense of my own skin. I didn’t think anything was wrong with it. I believed I was following in the footsteps of a soul that walked this earth over 2000 years ago who gave his life to save others.
I finally reached a breaking point and at the same time, things were breaking loose within me to lead me into a healthier way of living and of treating myself more kindly. In the midst of all this breakage, I had a visual image of me and the life I had been living.
I saw myself swimming across the ocean with very long, very hard, very determined strokes trying to keep myself afloat and survive, and at the same time, reaching into the depths of the sea pulling up as many souls as I could along the way.
I didn’t like what I saw. I felt overwhelming self-compassion and sadness for my own soul’s pain of desperation. The rope I’d been grasping onto tore straight through to my heart and I felt so much despair and confusion.
As usual when I’m overcome with emotional pain, I turned to music that expressed how I felt. I searched for the video of a song I’ve always loved called “I’d love to change the world” by Ten Years After. As I listened to the words which sang…”I’d love to change the world, but I don’t know what to do” my heart was calling out to God with everything I had in me. I didn’t want to stop helping but something didn’t feel right, didn’t look right about that image of me in that ocean. I placed my burdens before God and then had a major breakthrough in my thought process.
I realized I wasn’t just trying to change the world; I was trying to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was trying to play God. God conveyed to me very clearly it was not my job and he doesn’t want me to feel that way, and as a matter of fact, he doesn’t even need my help. I was humbled. The world is not mine, it is God’s. He is in control not me. If he has done what he has done for me… then God’s grace is available to everyone else as well. I realized the sad truth that I just didn’t Trust God to do it. Wow… what a revelation! No wonder I had so many issues with Trust.
After listening to that song, the breakthrough was sealed. I meditated and let God guide it as always. He took me on a visual journey in my mind which sometimes happens to me in meditation. I saw myself swimming with all my might in that ocean again but then suddenly I stopped. I exhaled in surrender and slowly flipped over and moved into a back float. I saw myself being supported by the water…. by God’s love… holding me. The sun was beating down on me from the sky… the warmth of God’s love shining down on me. There were little ripples of waves glistening from the reflection of the sun all around me. Light, Love and Peace was all around me… above, below, everywhere… and I rested in him… with Trust.
So what’s changed? The intentions of my life are exactly the same, but I no longer feel the intensity of having a MIND that is constantly thinking about how to help at each and every moment yet feeling helpless on some level. I no longer have an unquenchable WILL determined to contribute in the healing of souls and feeling like that will isn’t truly making enough of a difference. Instead I have a HEART for all of this that is supported by my mind, my will, and my growing Trust in God… in Life… in Myself.
I still feel the pain of the lost, but what comes from my heart is love, compassion, and willingness to give what I have from a place of Peace and Trust in God, not out of sense of duty or of fear for the people I am trying to help. It’s a totally different experience. You can’t understand it, until you understand it. And no, I’m not always perfect at it, but I’m doing much better at it all the time and, as usual, God has been giving me many lessons on surrendering and trusting to further seal the deal.
Fear is like plaque that clogs the arteries of the heart. The flow just cannot come through to feed the rest of the body with blood if it exists. We must relax, trust, and have a completely open heart system to let God’s energy flow through us with peace and ease to help in the healing of the rest of God’s body. We can be much more effective in helping others in this way…. for this is how God’s energy flows to us… willingly… with no fear… no sense of obligation… no exertion and straining… just with Love.
You may have heard the statement “God doesn’t open a door for us until we allow a door behind us to close”. I am not sure I agree with this concept. If God is truly in the present moment… AND HE IS… then he isn’t look back at the door behind us… nor is he waiting for us to close it.
Furthermore, NO God who is loving and merciful… AND HE IS… and no good father… in heaven or on earth… would purposely keep a door shut on his OWN child and prevent them from going forward… simply because they left a door open behind them. Yeah no… I gave up believing in that kind of punishing God a long time ago.
So to me… life is all about open doors. They’re all just there waiting for us to walk through. None of them are closed. The only thing closed is our eyes…. our minds… or our hearts. If we would only open our eyes… we would feel the energy of the endless possibilities through all of the doorways before us and we wouldn’t see a blocked path at all.
Therefore, life isn’t about doors… life is about walking. We simply need to take the next right step…. the next leap of faith. We will then come to discover life is just an endless array of open doorways…. more resembling a passageway… a hallway of sorts… arched openings with no closed doors.
I truly believe there is NOTHING stopping us from walking through them. The only thing stopping us IS us. So if doors exist at all… WE are the doors.
I am a very “quiet” person. I bet alot of people would not know that about me because I have “quite” the voice on Facebook. However, in the real world (whatever that is lol) I am reserved and spend alot of time in an inner life of the spirit, mind and heart.
I used to hate this about me. I used to wish to be more outgoing and a natural with social situations. I envied people who were free spirits who could be the life of the party… humorous and making everybody laugh. Meanwhile I was awkwardly uncomfortable with myself and very serious. I hated my heart and that it was so vulnerable. I felt like anyone could just shatter me with a word or a look… and often times it felt like they did. My heart was so openly vulnerable that it would cause me to say sorry to you if YOU bumped into me so that my heart would not be wounded should you be offended for any reason by our bodies touching. All of this caused me to isolate myself from the world even more. However, in isolating myself… I went deeper inside… and I found myself in a way I never would have imagined.
Today… I love that I am introspective and I thoroughly enjoy exploring my inner life. I am just fine being by myself and quiet. I’ve come to value me as I am. I appreciate how God fashioned my personality to be. I realize that my seriousness has alot to do with my depth and my quest for the things of meaning and value in life… and it does not mean that I don’t know how to have a good time, laugh or be humorous because I CAN be all those things too… especially now that I am comfortable in my own skin and don’t really care what people think of me and whether or they like me or not.
In reflecting about the nature of my being a quiet person… I also realize it’s not that I don’t have anything to say… because I have a wealth of thoughts, ideas and emotions to express. Sometimes it’s just that there isn’t anyone around in my life who is on a level that I feel like I can share my thoughts, ideas and emotions with. That’s why I love Facebook so much. Because there is almost always another being on here that I can connect with at any time of the night or day who is somewhat on a level of consciousness of where I am… who is magically sharing on some topic that I had just been contemplating deeply upon.
And then there are those times when a person WILL come into my life that is a real body… who I feel completely at ease with for no apparent reason. It’s as if my soul recognizes their soul… my consciousness just seems to understand who they are without words… and I am able to completely open up with them freely… and I discover a voice I did not know I had… or had forgotten about through lack of use. There is no thought of vulnerability. It’s the ultimate trust and connection of a soulmate… and it has nothing to do with “mating” on a physical level. It’s entirely spiritual, mental, and emotional.
There is just nothing like being able to share my thoughts, ideas and emotions with such a someone… To listen to them share their thoughts, ideas and emotions in return… To receive the wisdom of their inner being… and to exchange my inner wisdom with them. It inspires a level of accountability within myself to reach higher, go deeper within, grow more expansively. It’s a type of spiritual partnership that naturally enables me to move into the being God designed me to be… who I already am… but just haven’t quite fully discovered yet. It’s a “communication” of the most valuable kind. I consider it a gift from God and I don’t take even a moment of such interactions for granted.
As I write all this… I realize I miss someone who was a connection of this type… but that’s ok with me too. My feeling this just shows me the value I place on such relationships of the spirit. It’s the way my heart is conveying a sense of gratitude for those moments in time that I shared this type of a connection with that person… and those moments will remain forever timeless for me.
And so I recognize that ultimately… it’s not about quantity when it comes to sharing my voice… my thoughts… my heart… my soul… It’s about quality. It’s about knowing when it’s worth breaking the beauty of silence. Its about knowing… that when there is no other soul around to share myself with… that “I” am the most quality I can offer myself… for I know who I am today… and I love who I am.
~Inspired by the Thought of the Day written by Allan Beveridge of Twin Powers.
Our household was like a war zone last night. My kids were treating each other absolutely atrociously. They were screaming at each other at the top of their lungs and calling each other vile names. It was so upsetting. In an attempt to regain order and peace in the house, I stepped in. Much to my regret, I added only more anger to an already chaotic situation.
When all was said and done, I grounded them and told them if they could not communicate with each other properly, they could not communicate with others. I removed all cell phones, laptops, xbox live, ipods, etc. they use to text and talk with the outside world. Of course, this was not received well at all. All kinds of remarks were hurled at me… making me feel like as a parent… I have completely lost control (as if we ever really have any right?).
As I went to bed, I pondered the whole situation realizing that some of those remarks hurled at me were in fact true. How could I expect my children to treat each other with love when they’ve witnessed very little of that between their own parents lately? How could I expect them not to lose their temper and display anger towards each other when I was capable of doing the very same thing in my attempt to regain order?
Then other questions came to my mind…
How could I expect them to improve their communication by taking away all their means of communication?
Am I asking too much of an 11 and 12 year old to have a healthier relationship when they are siblings and probably need to be able to vent their anger somewhere?
How healthy is it really to ask your kids not to display such anger for each other if that is truly what they are feeling?
How unhealthy is it for them to repress these emotions for fear of losing their stuff or to fake happiness with each other in order to earn it back?
Don’t we already have enough problems in this household with people being unable to express their feelings and those feelings not being heard?
How effective am I really being here by diminishing such opportunities because the feelings are simply ugly?
And finally… God, how do I make this better… what can I do differently?
After my meditation this morning, an idea came to me which I’m hoping was a gift from God… an answer to prayer. I decided that in order for my kids to earn their stuff back, I was going to have them do an exercise. I wanted it to be a journaling exercise that would allow them to get in touch with their feelings and to really feel them and express them… to discover what was behind their anger…. to challenge them to look at themselves… and to put an intention in black in white about how they could do things differently.
So I asked them to each get a notebook and a pen. While they were doing that, I asked God to PLEASE direct me on the questions I should ask them. I then asked them these questions one by one…
What are all the things that bother you about the other person?
Why do these things bother you?
How does it make you feel that the other person does this?
How does it make you feel when you express your anger towards them in return?
What good things do you see in the other person? (they both said nothing and refused to write)
So I asked… what would you miss if the other one was gone?
What can you do differently to express your anger in a healthier way?
How are you going to treat each other better in the future?
When we were done, I asked them to exchange notebooks and read what the other one wrote. Neither could decipher each other’s writing so I volunteered to read their answers to each other one question at a time (another blessing by God I think).
Well let me tell you… it was an experience for all three of us!!! While both children had done the writing with total attitudes, a hesitation to be open to the other in any way, and a conviction they were still in a place of justified anger for the other… it all began to melt as I read their answers and added my own insight to what I was reading on the paper… to what I saw they were really both saying… since they are much too young to understand that behind their anger is pain and hurt.
It was just so sad to read it and I tried to keep myself composed emotionally as I read and conveyed what I saw. Rebecca was angry with Frankie because he stares at her and he is loud playing his video games and will never let her play with him. Frankie was angry with Rebecca because she makes fun of him when he looks at her and she threatens to humiliate him and tell people about his Tourette’s if she doesn’t get her way.
So I explained first to Frankie that what I see is that Rebecca cares about you and just wants to spend time with you and alligator tears began to form in his eyes. Then I explained to Rebecca that Frankie cares about you and wants to look at you and Frankie’s began to cry harder. Then I said… what I see is they both have a desire for connection with each other and love each other and Rebecca began to cry. All of this was too much for me and broke my heart as I realized that I am living in a household full of people who just want love and connection to others and cannot seem to have it with each other and it broke my heart and I began crying too.
After I was done explaining the rest of their answers, I told them they had one final exercise to complete in order to get their stuff back…. that they had to do the 30-second hug therapy which we had all seen posted on Facebook. It was a video of two young kids whose father had made them hug for 30 seconds as therapy, which seemed like an eternity to me watching it, and was so touching.
I had asked my kids to do this the last time they had a brawl and they flatly refused but this time, it was a condition of getting their stuff back so they were willing. I told them I would only do 10 seconds (my thought was eventually to work up to 30 seconds if we needed to do this again). As the seconds clicked away, I couldn’t get enough of seeing them hugging. Since they couldn’t see the timer and are too young to be really aware of time, I let the timer go… and go… and they got their 30 second hug therapy without even knowing it.
So long and short, my kids have their stuff back. I have no idea if any of what I did will change their behavior. But for me… the miracles that happened were that both my kids were crying… in touch with their feelings… expressing them not repressing them… and the feelings were sadness not anger… a longing for love and connection… not hatred… and they each got the opportunity to be heard, even if it was through the voice of their mother…. and finally… watching them have a piece of that loving connection in that 30 second hug.
May God please guide, bless and direct my family every day… as he did today.
(Written during my daughter’s Rebecca’s recovery period from spinal fusion surgery.)
I have been reflecting on a situation that was killing me to witness a little while ago. I now realize it was a beautiful, intimate exchange of love between my son & my daughter.
Rebecca was bawling in pain from doing a little too much today and nothing I did to reposition her seemed to help. Frankie was watching the whole scene of her crying and me struggling to help her to no avail. His face was becoming bright red as the stress of the situation was escalating. It was too much for him and his Tourette’s tics just started to flow from his face.
After a little while Rebecca finally regained her composure and she says to me “Frankie has a new tic mom” and then goes on to describe what she saw. She asked me to explain to her why he can’t control it and what it is inside his body that makes him do that. I tried to give my best explanation in a way that a child would understand and explained to her that he can try to control it but then eventually he has to let it all out.
Then she directed all her questioning towards him and the two of them started this open dialogue with her asking questions and him answering, although he couldn’t really tell her how he is able to control it. Then Rebecca says that Nicole, (big sis who also has Tourette’s), was doing her tics when she was sitting on her bed in the hospital and it was hurting her back when the bed was shaking but she didn’t want to say anything.
Being the mother, the whole thing was heart wrenching for me. To know that one of my children was laying there in pain, my other child suffers with trying to control an energy in his body that says “let me out, let me tic”, and remembering how much it broke my heart when Nicole would come home from school and release all the tics she had suppressed so kids wouldn’t make fun of her and that she still struggles with it today when she gets stressed. It was just too much for me to handle. I wanted to puke from all the suffering.
But what I realized afterwards was…
That it was the first time Frankie has ever seemed really comfortable talking openly about his condition and I see that as a blessing and a freedom for a kid who has no freedom of choice in what his body does.
That Frankie’s tics came out tonight because he cares about his sister. The tics overflowing translates to the level of his love for her.
That Nicole’s love was also overflowing as she sat on that hospital bed shaking away with concern for her sister.
That Rebecca could have been solely focused on her own agonizing condition tonight but she was tuned into her brother’s condition because she cares about him.
That she sacrificed her own comfort so as not to make her sister uncomfortable when she was shaking her bed.
That I have 3 kids who love and care very deeply about each other.
That we are one blessed family in spite of our difficulties.
There is something to be said for the ground of stability, even it is unhealthy soil. There is just some sense of security in “the known”. But that’s about where the something ends. There is absolutely no real security in anything that is slowly killing you inside. At some point, you’ve got to face reality that in order to really live the way you’re meant to live, you’ve got to make a change.
Change is a scary thing, even when you know you want it, even when everything inside is calling you to make it. On some level you know it’s going to shake up some dirt and there goes your sense of stability, your false sense of security. Something inside you just doesn’t easily allow you to comfortably and peacefully make the change. Perhaps its procrastination, perhaps it’s the fear of “the unknown” or perhaps it’s your intuition telling you now is not the right time.
All the agony you’re trying to avoid by making a change… the fear… the potentiality of regret… the affects to other people… those aren’t the real things that keep you in agony. All the thoughts of “what ifs” and all the self-sacrificing in the world to insure the ground of stability is not compromised for others isn’t what keeps you in the state of discontentment. No. The agony… the lack of peace… the state of continual turmoil… is nothing other than you NOT answering the call placed upon your heart to make a change.
Sometimes you know it long before you get up the courage, but you don’t really want to know it. You ignore it and deny it as much as you can. You question yourself continually. You engage in long, windy discussions about it, but you do nothing. Even still, because you’ve recognized it on some level, you find no sense of peace in doing nothing at all. You just agonize internally.
The truth is… you know it; you’re just not prepared to know it. You feel it; you just don’t want to experience all the feelings you may have to face in making a change. You wait… hoping for the precise moment when it’s going to be simple, easy, and you’ll feel the least amount uncomfortable, but that day may never come.
There aren’t too many changes that are as easy or simple as changing your underwear. There are very few changes that feel as good as putting on fresh, warm clothes from the dryer on a cold day. The time you take in between the recognition that you need to make a change and when you actually make it, is really nothing other than you… trying to control it.
The reality is… what feels the most uncomfortable is existing in your own skin when everything inside you is telling you that you MUST make a change and you don’t listen to that call. At some point, it just becomes unbearable NOT to make the change. Like a plant that’s outgrown its container, you feel constricted. You know in your heart that you’ve exceeded the limitations of what you will accept for the conditions of your life. No amount of watering or fertilizing seems to help.
The longer you wrestle, ponder, agonize and sit in that uncomfortable space waiting for the right moment, the more you start to die inside. The root of your life… who you’re meant to be, how you’re meant to live, of WHO YOU ARE starts to corrode. You wither and people see it in you.
Just before you’re ready to completely keel over and die, you experience the moment… the shift. You let go of control and you surrender.
Suddenly, all the pros and cons of making the change disappear. It’s all pro and grow through the change or else let the shred of life that’s left of you go away completely. The peace you’ve longed for is suddenly there even though you may be in for one of the biggest transplants of your life. You consider the fact that you may lose a few of your precious roots in the process, but there is no fear because everything inside you seeks to preserve that one major root…your own life… the only one you’ve been given.
You then know… you then feel… you then experience the empowering conviction that now is the time. You look back at all the agonizing and all the waiting for the right moment and you realize that there never even would have even been a struggle to begin with if the change wasn’t needed. We just don’t struggle when we are content with “what is”.
So if you’re struggling with making a change, you can ask yourself all the questions, you can talk-talk-talk, you can sit in the fear of shifting into the unknown, you can wait all you want to, you can attempt to control the change as much as you wish, but hopefully one day you will surrender as I have.
Don’t worry… if you don’t like the outcome, you can surrender again.