Tag: fear

Life

What is Truth?

Debra Worden

It’s not really accurate to say there’s 2 sides to every story. We speak… and people hear… and they don’t always hear what we’re saying. So there’s really 4 sides to a story… the 2 sides being told and the 2 sides being heard. Even that’s just story telling and not always Truth.

In the center of the box of the 4 sides to the story is the mixture of truth… reality as it happened, the reality we are unable to see… because we don’t have eyes to see everything behind others actions… nevermind our own. Then there’s our perception of reality as we FELT and believed it happened… which is still only “our” reality at that moment but not necessarily Truth.

In fact, it is one of the biggest trip-ups is to conclude our reality is Truth based on our feelings… because feelings come from a multitude of past experiences, thoughts, and beliefs impressed upon us BY us or others and are not always a factual reflection of what is happening to us in the present moment. We are, more often than not, reacting to the way we have “learned” to. These reactions can oftentimes be defense mechanisms or survival reactions we have learned to use, which is absofreakinglutely normal to pull them out of the toolbox, yet sometimes these tools no longer serve us and we don’t even know it.

Here’s the thing… our feelings DO offer us the biggest opportunity to see the Truth about ourselves… the way we act… what triggers us… how we treat others… how we treat and think about ourselves. If only we can honestly and truthfully have eyes to look at ourselves and the root Fear happening within instead of looking at the “others” within the story. The answers are always behind our Fear.

What are the stories (ie. Lies) we are telling ourselves that are fueling that Fear? Are they the lies of “lesser ego thinking” such we are not important enough… we don’t matter… we aren’t good enough… not loved enough… not respected enough?… OR are they the lies of “greater ego thinking”… I am better than this person… I am older… I will outsmart them. Only you can answer.

The truth is… most people just don’t care enough to self soul-search and discover the Truth that will set them free of their own Fear based suffering… even if it feels caused by others. I bet most people don’t care enough about Truth to have read all the way to the end of this blog post. That is my preconceived story I am telling myself based on my internal Fears.

You see… I love to write but my Fear is that my Words don’t matter. I tell myself the World has enough Words being spoken and written. I ask myself who is possibly listening or digesting when everyone is so busy trying to tell their own stories? Who can take in anything at all in a world when so many are existing in a state of trauma due to our current times and all of the fake propaganda news stories that continue to perpetuate that state?

The last thing I want is to just add more Words to our World unless those Words can move mountains to get us beyond our current state which I perceive as dire… but is it? Also… Who says I am supposed to move mountains? Who says I can’t? Nobody. These are just fragments of a Fear based story my mind tells me to keep me from doing what I love to do… Write.

The Truth is… I get angry inside and just want the whole World to shut up and be silent for a little while since all this talking, tweeting and posting seems to be bringing us to an ugly climax. I think I can’t possibly make a difference. I can. I already do just by being the unique me God made me to be. I just do it the best when I am NOT in Fear, or so I think.

Life

The Great Fall

Debra Worden
June 29, 2011


Not too long ago I had what I call a major breakthrough. It was the beginning of a falling away of many thoughts, beliefs and patterns of living that were holding me hostage; too many to cover in just one blog. Not coincidentally, it was Fall when this happened. So I’m calling this The Great Fall.

You see… for years, I had been living my life with a HUGE sense of responsibility to help rouse the sleeping souls. What I mean by sleeping souls are those people who exist day in and day out… caught in traps of soul suffering and discontentment… missing out on All That Is present right here, right now….

  • Perfect Perpetual Peace
  • Ultimate Reverberating Joy
  • Abundant Love Beyond All Love
  • Complete Oneness in Essence with All Living Beings
  • Experiencing the Fullness of Your Being
  • Feeling Intensely Alive!!!
  • Truly Knowing The “All That Is”… GOD Within.

I’ve felt this. I’ve experienced this. I KNOW this. From the moment I experienced this in all its mystical and magnificent glory, my life has never been the same. The reaction that followed shortly thereafter was a sense of sorrow for all the people who don’t know this experience. After all, I didn’t know it… until I KNEW it.

I began to feel the weight of people’s suffering in this world on a very deep level. I’ve always had a compassionate heart but this was empathy in a way I had not experienced before. I carried it silently within me and there was an imperious urge to help the lost and suffering; to do anything and everything I can to help unblock people from their soul pain; to help them see and feel and KNOW the truth of what exists. For those who are near and dear to me such as my children, my goal was to minimize their pain; to do everything I could to prevent them from becoming blocked from the Light of their own Spirits. I was on a Mission.

Unfortunately and fortunately, I don’t live in this ecstatic state 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Otherwise, I might not even know suffering exists and wouldn’t have the heart to help. The truth is, I still experience my own periods of soul suffering. However, when I’m not lost in my own stuff or giving everything I have to work through it, I’ve been doing my best to give my all to help in the healing of others; or to share a glimpse of peace, joy, or love to people whom I cross paths with and pain I feel, even if our lives intersect for only a moment.

Although I believed I was making a difference all these years, it never quieted the urge within me. It only made it stronger. My heart ached deeper for the pain of other people… for their separation from the “All That Is”… from themselves.

What began as a Mission eventually grew into a dire desperation. It was as if I was hanging from a rope for dear life and the rope was tearing through the flesh of my palms. No matter how painful it got, I had to keep grasping and trying to help people, even at the expense of my own skin. I didn’t think anything was wrong with it. I believed I was following in the footsteps of a soul that walked this earth over 2000 years ago who gave his life to save others.

I finally reached a breaking point and at the same time, things were breaking loose within me to lead me into a healthier way of living and of treating myself more kindly. In the midst of all this breakage, I had a visual image of me and the life I had been living.

I saw myself swimming across the ocean with very long, very hard, very determined strokes trying to keep myself afloat and survive, and at the same time, reaching into the depths of the sea pulling up as many souls as I could along the way. 

I didn’t like what I saw. I felt overwhelming self-compassion and sadness for my own soul’s pain of desperation. The rope I’d been grasping onto tore straight through to my heart and I felt so much despair and confusion.

As usual when I’m overcome with emotional pain, I turned to music that expressed how I felt. I searched for the video of a song I’ve always loved called “I’d love to change the world” by Ten Years After. As I listened to the words which sang…”I’d love to change the world, but I don’t know what to do” my heart was calling out to God with everything I had in me. I didn’t want to stop helping but something didn’t feel right, didn’t look right about that image of me in that ocean. I placed my burdens before God and then had a major breakthrough in my thought process.

I realized I wasn’t just trying to change the world; I was trying to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was trying to play God. God conveyed to me very clearly it was not my job and he doesn’t want me to feel that way, and as a matter of fact, he doesn’t even need my help. I was humbled. The world is not mine, it is God’s. He is in control not me. If he has done what he has done for me… then God’s grace is available to everyone else as well. I realized the sad truth that I just didn’t Trust God to do it. Wow… what a revelation! No wonder I had so many issues with Trust.

After listening to that song, the breakthrough was sealed. I meditated and let God guide it as always. He took me on a visual journey in my mind which sometimes happens to me in meditation. I saw myself swimming with all my might in that ocean again but then suddenly I stopped. I exhaled in surrender and slowly flipped over and moved into a back float. I saw myself being supported by the water…. by God’s love… holding me. The sun was beating down on me from the sky… the warmth of God’s love shining down on me. There were little ripples of waves glistening from the reflection of the sun all around me. Light, Love and Peace was all around me… above, below, everywhere… and I rested in him… with Trust.

So what’s changed? The intentions of my life are exactly the same, but I no longer feel the intensity of having a MIND that is constantly thinking about how to help at each and every moment yet feeling helpless on some level. I no longer have an unquenchable WILL determined to contribute in the healing of souls and feeling like that will isn’t truly making enough of a difference. Instead I have a HEART for all of this that is supported by my mind, my will, and my growing Trust in God… in Life… in Myself.

I still feel the pain of the lost, but what comes from my heart is love, compassion, and willingness to give what I have from a place of Peace and Trust in God, not out of sense of duty or of fear for the people I am trying to help. It’s a totally different experience. You can’t understand it, until you understand it. And no, I’m not always perfect at it, but I’m doing much better at it all the time and, as usual, God has been giving me many lessons on surrendering and trusting to further seal the deal.

Fear is like plaque that clogs the arteries of the heart. The flow just cannot come through to feed the rest of the body with blood if it exists. We must relax, trust, and have a completely open heart system to let God’s energy flow through us with peace and ease to help in the healing of the rest of God’s body. We can be much more effective in helping others in this way…. for this is how God’s energy flows to us… willingly… with no fear… no sense of obligation… no exertion and straining… just with Love.

Transformation

When The Wind of Change Calls

Debra Worden
June 21, 2011

There is something to be said for the ground of stability, even it is unhealthy soil.  There is just some sense of security in “the known”.  But that’s about where the something ends.   There is absolutely no real security in anything that is slowly killing you inside.   At some point, you’ve got to face reality that in order to really live the way you’re meant to live, you’ve got to make a change.

Change is a scary thing, even when you know you want it, even when everything inside is calling you to make it.  On some level you know it’s going to shake up some dirt and there goes your sense of stability, your false sense of security.  Something inside you just doesn’t easily allow you to comfortably and peacefully make the change.  Perhaps its procrastination, perhaps it’s the fear of “the unknown” or perhaps it’s your intuition telling you now is not the right time. 

All the agony you’re trying to avoid by making a change… the fear… the potentiality of regret… the affects to other people… those aren’t the real things that keep you in agony. All the thoughts of “what ifs” and all the self-sacrificing in the world to insure the ground of stability is not compromised for others isn’t what keeps you in the state of discontentment. No. The agony… the lack of peace… the state of continual turmoil… is nothing other than you NOT answering the call placed upon your heart to make a change.

Sometimes you know it long before you get up the courage, but you don’t really want to know it.  You ignore it and deny it as much as you can.  You question yourself continually.  You engage in long, windy discussions about it, but you do nothing.  Even still, because you’ve recognized it on some level, you find no sense of peace in doing nothing at all.  You just agonize internally.

The truth is… you know it; you’re just not prepared to know it.  You feel it; you just don’t want to experience all the feelings you may have to face in making a change.  You wait… hoping for the precise moment when it’s going to be simple, easy, and you’ll feel the least amount uncomfortable, but that day may never come.   

There aren’t too many changes that are as easy or simple as changing your underwear.  There are very few changes that feel as good as putting on fresh, warm clothes from the dryer on a cold day.  The time you take in between the recognition that you need to make a change and when you actually make it, is really nothing other than you… trying to control it.

The reality is… what feels the most uncomfortable is existing in your own skin when everything inside you is telling you that you MUST make a change and you don’t listen to that call.  At some point, it just becomes unbearable NOT to make the change.  Like a plant that’s outgrown its container, you feel constricted.  You know in your heart that you’ve exceeded the limitations of what you will accept for the conditions of your life.  No amount of watering or fertilizing seems to help. 

The longer you wrestle, ponder, agonize and sit in that uncomfortable space waiting for the right moment, the more you start to die inside. The root of your life… who you’re meant to be, how you’re meant to live, of WHO YOU ARE starts to corrode. You wither and people see it in you.

Just before you’re ready to completely keel over and die, you experience the moment… the shift.  You let go of control and you surrender.   

Suddenly, all the pros and cons of making the change disappear.  It’s all pro and grow through the change or else let the shred of life that’s left of you go away completely.  The peace you’ve longed for is suddenly there even though you may be in for one of the biggest transplants of your life.  You consider the fact that you may lose a few of your precious roots in the process, but there is no fear because everything inside you seeks to preserve that one major root…your own life… the only one you’ve been given. 

You then know… you then feel… you then experience the empowering conviction that now is the time.  You look back at all the agonizing and all the waiting for the right moment and you realize that there never even would have even been a struggle to begin with if the change wasn’t needed.  We just don’t struggle when we are content with “what is”. 

So if you’re struggling with making a change, you can ask yourself all the questions, you can talk-talk-talk, you can sit in the fear of shifting into the unknown, you can wait all you want to, you can attempt to control the change as much as you wish, but hopefully one day you will surrender as I have.

Don’t worry… if you don’t like the outcome, you can surrender again.